Pet Peeves, Reflections And More... :) Shangy!
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*~* Please Consider Giving To ShangralaFamilyFun.com
The cost of the website has gone up dramatically due to the
ever increasingly wonderful pages and photos being added each
week to entertain you and our fellow Christian families. While
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down with tons of them to pay for it. I need your help!
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"We are each of us angels with but one wing,
and can only fly by embracing each other"
-Luciano Decrescenzo
~ CALLING ALL CARING ANGELS ~
*~* WE NEED CARING And SHARING Angels *~*
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>-->2 HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :)
_|\ _/|_,
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hjw / `-`'
I love horses and ever since I was a kid have wanted one as
a pet. It is no surprise actually since every time I would
turn on the TV a show with a horse was on for me to watch. We
had three channels to choose from and mostly they were all
westerns or had a show featuring a horse like Black Beauty,
My Friend Flicka, or Mr. Ed. So I naturally grew up loving
horses.
Thinking of my web site, however, I realized I don't have
that many horse related pages. So I dug into my archive of
forwards and found some pretty fun and interesting forwards.
Our First too hot to handle page comes from our friend Richard.
These horses are most beautiful and no doubt the model for the
'My Little Pony' toy horses. Be sure to check this one out
here:
-~~, Erin Sarsfield
,; _ _~ |\|
;; ( )_, )
;; /| |.\
;;
Linus The Wonder Horse
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wonderhorse.html
---
...Wow! Such an amazing beauty! Thanks Richard!
Our Next red hot new page comes from our friend Sharon. It is
one that will melt your heart and bring you your aww quota of
smiles for the day. Check this one out here...
>>\.
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/ \ /.___.'\ (\ (_
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hjw |_>|> /_] //
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Cute Little Ponies
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/littlepony.html
---
...Adorable - makes me want to scoop them up! Thanks Sharon!
=======================================================
>-->From SmileZilla:
______________________________________________________
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A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river.
The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing
the river, the bridge fell down. She called across to her blond
boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.
He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my
flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk
back."
She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you
will turn the light off on me!"
-<>-
Pete and Mick were in court and standing before the judge.
"Why can't this case be settled out of court?" the judge asked.
Pete looked up at the judge and said, "That's what we were trying
to do, your honour, when the police interfered."
-<>-
Man to wife: What have you been doing with all the grocery money
I've been giving you?
Wife: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
-<>-
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Petrus
Managed Health Care FAQ
Q: What does HMO stand for?
A: This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!". Its
roots go back to the concept pioneered by Dr.Moe Howard, who
discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the
pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern
practice replaces the finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such
as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the
same.
Q: Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A: No. Only those you need.
Q: I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose
the doctor I want?
A: Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who
were participating in the plan at the time the information was
gathered. These doctors will fall into two basic categories: those
who are no longer accepting new patients and those who will see
you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry - the
remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new
patients has an office just half a day's drive away.
Q: What are pre-existing conditions?
A: This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when
they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we
seem to be pre-stuck with it.
Q: Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A: Certainly. As long as they don't require any treatment.
Q: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A: You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q: I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000
yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my outpatient
surgery, but I'd already paid the bill. What should I do?
A: You have two choices: your doctor can sign the reimbursement
check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for
you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists
hear about, like windmill farms and frog hatcheries.
Q: What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A: Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.
Q: What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A: Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
Q: No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A: You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing
your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return,
then get sick.
Q: I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he
can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really
perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A: Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the
$10 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot.
Q: My pharmacy only covers generic drugs, but I need the name
brand. I tried the generic medication and it gave me a stomach
ache. What should I do?
A: Poke yourself in the eye.
Q: What will change if the government takes over health care?
A: Your coverage will have the efficiency of the Post Office
and the bedside manner of the Internal Revenue Service.
Q: Will health care be any different in the next century?
A: No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment
by then.
=======================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
January 9 is Play God Day
January 10 is Bittersweet Chocolate Day, Houseplant Appreciation
Day and Peculiar People Day
January 11 is Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend's Day
January 12 is Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day and National Pharmacist
Day (due to too much Feasting of Fabulous Wild Men)
January 13 is Friday the 13th, International Skeptics Day and
Make Your Dream Come True Day
January 14 is Dress Up Your Pet Day
January 15 is National Hat Day
=======================================================
>-->From GoodCleanFun:
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>The "Real" World
My brother was recently launched into the "real" world and,
shocked by the expenses that came with it, he was complaining
about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be
lower."
He smiled and said, "Dad, that would be like buying an airline
just to get free peanuts."
-<>-
>Credit Verify
Standing in line at the clothing store's counter, I watched as
the woman ahead of me handed the clerk her credit card. The
customer waited for a long time while the saleswoman went to
verify the account.
When she finally returned, the clerk said, "I'm sorry, but this
card is in your husband's name, and we can't accept it because
the records show that he is deceased."
With that, the woman turned to her husband, who was standing next
to her and asked, "Does this mean I don't have to fix lunch for
you today?"
-<>-
How many b'ger do you need
to change a lightbulb?
\
Get lost Ralf. \
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>The Irish Pub
Patrick went into his favorite pub in Dublin and ordered 3 pints
of Guinness, to be served all at the same time. The bartender put
the three pints in front of him, and he took a little sip out of
one, put it down; then took a little sip out of the second, put
it down; and then took a little sip out of the third. He put it
down, went back to the first pint, and started the process all
over again, until he had drunk all three pints.
Then he paid the bartender and left.
This went on for months, every night the same thing. Finally, the
bartender cannot stand it any longer, and he approaches Pat.
"Patrick", he says.
"Aye", says Patrick.
"I've been watching you come in here for months. Every night you
order the same thing. Three pints. All at once. Then, instead of
drinking them one at a time, you take a little sip out of each one
until you eventually finish all three. Then, you just leave. I
have never seen anything like that. I don't want to be prying into
your personal affairs; but, if you wouldn't mind telling me, WHY?"
"Well, you know my brothers Michael and John moved to New York".
"Aye".
"Well, I promised my brothers that I would have a pint every night
in our favorite pub, just like in the old days, in remembrance of
the old days when we were together. So, that's what I do each
night. Me and my brothers are having a drink together. Do ya'
understand now?"
"Aye".
This goes on for years. In fact, Patrick becomes rather famous in
the pub for it. Finally, the time comes when Patrick orders only
two pints. He drinks them the same way and leaves, but everybody
knows something is terribly wrong. After a few weeks, nobody can
stand it anymore, so they ask the bartender to approach Patrick
about it.
So, the bartender approaches Pat, "Patrick?"
"Aye", says Patrick.
"I understand there has been a tragedy in your family".
"WHAT, What tragedy??"
"Well, one of your brothers died recently, I understand".
"What!!!! Me brothers are fine, never healthier. Why would you
think something happened to one of me brothers??"
"Well, you always used to drink three pints, every night; and all
of a sudden you started drinking only two pints. We assumed that
something happened to one of your brothers."
"Noooo... me brothers is fine. It's just that my Doctor said I had
to take better care of myself, so I quit drinking."
-<>-
>Pretend Trip
My children were pretending to be preparing for a long trip in a
covered wagon. They loaded in pretend bags of salt, beans, seeds,
nails, and other necessities for survival.
After the last pretend blanket and tool were in place they
settled into their seats on the front of the wagon and said their
good-byes.
As they pretended to get the horses moving, my 8 year-old
daughter called back over her shoulder, "We'll send an e-mail when
we get there!"
-<>-
>Taking Steps
During a practical exercise at a military police base, the
instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-
defense.
After he presented a number of different situations in which
they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps
would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp
knife?"
The student replied. "BIG ones."
==========================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseA :)
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jgs I || |===| || ||_/
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I'm in the hospital now. Today has not been a good day. I decided
to go horseback riding, something I haven't done in many, many
years. It turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse and
started out slow but then we went a little faster and before I
knew it we were at a full gallop! I couldn't take the pace and
fell off but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging
me. It wouldn't stop! It just kept going around and around in a
circle. Thank goodness the store manager at Walmart came out and
unplugged the machine.
-<>-
+
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---------------------
>Church Bulletin Bloopers
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies
of the congregation would lend him their
electric girdles for the pancake breakfast
next Sunday morning.
The low self esteem support group will meet
Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.
The pastor will preach his farewell message,
after which the choir will sing
"Break Forth Into Joy."
Remember in prayer the many who
are sick of our church and community.
Thursday night potluck supper.
Prayer and medication to follow.
The eight graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
"Hamlet" in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the
First Presbyterian Church. Please use
the large double doors at the side entrance.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon
topic will be, "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are needed due to
the addition of several new members,
and the deterioration of some older ones.
For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.
The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great
success. Special thanks are due to the minister's
daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano,
which, as usual, fell upon her.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
The Rector is on holiday. Massages can be given to the
church secretary.
The choir invites any member of the congregation who
enjoys sinning to join the choir!
---
...Always good for some giggles! Thanks LouiseAu!
-<>-
i Track it!
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>SMILES
Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy asks, "Did you see
that?"
The second guy replies, "No."
"A bald eagle just flew overhead."
"Oh."
A couple of minutes later, The first guy inquires, "Did you see
that?"
"No."
"There was a black bear walking on that hill over there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later the second guy inquires, "Did you see that?"
The second guy, getting aggravated, answers, "Yes, I did!"
The first guy then says, "Then why did you step in it?"
--------
Two monkeys were sitting in a tree and two lions were sleeping
below them. One monkey said to the other monkey "I dare you to go
down there and kick one of those lions in the rear end." The
other monkey said o.k. I'll go down there and kick him in the
rear end as hard as I can.
So he goes down the tree and kicks the lion as hard as he can and
takes off swinging through the trees. The lion starts to chase him.
He keeps getting closer, and closer until the monkeys thinks "Man
I better do something quick or that lion is going to eat me for
lunch.
So he keeps swinging until the lion is pretty far behind him and
he sees a newspaper lying on the ground. So he picks it up and
starts to read it. All of a sudden the lion catches up to him and
says, "Did you see a monkey run by here?" The monkey goes, "You
mean the one that kicked that lion in the rear end?" And the lion
says, "Darn it was in the paper already?"
--------
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman
was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway
patrol.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What
did he say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman then gave the officer her license.
"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some
time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman
I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he
say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"
--------
|\
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>Pet Pet-Peeves
1. Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
2. Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they
don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy!
Fish flakes!"
3. Cat: "Sharpen claws on one stinking curtain and it's curtains."
4. Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease -- but do those greedy humans
ever really give me a cracker?"
5. Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"
6. Dog: "What the ... HEY!!! I didn't even sign a consent form for
that surgery. Help, Legal Council!!!!"
7. Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! *There's* a new one!"
--------
A woman walked into a pet store.
"I haven't got much money," she told the clerk, "so I'd like to
know if you've got any kittens you'll let go cheap."
"I'd let them, Ma'am." answered the clerk, "but they prefer to
go 'meow.'"
---
...Oh My! LOL! Thanks LouiseAu!
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Linda :)
_ _.--. __ _
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| | (`' | : |
| | _..-.-.-.-._ ) ,),'. | |
| |('. __..-' ) ) ) ) ) )``-' _.-| \ | |
| | \ `...------''``--'''' \ )_____....--- ,'' ; |
| |_(_..-......_________..._,-'_,..__....____..-'.._________..'| |
| |____________________________________________________________| |
__|_|_________________________________________________________SSt|_|__
>When I turned 70....I thought my life was over but then
I discovered how great it is to be 70
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
This Rosie O'donnell look-a-like came up behind me, grabbed
my behind and said, "You're kind'a cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you're seventy...............who cares?
*********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets
of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a bag for that, sir?"
I said: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you're seventy...............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and
got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends
over there instead of you."
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you're seventy...............who cares?
**********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you're seventy...............who cares?
***********
I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing
on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you're seventy...............who cares?
---
...LOL! Thanks Linda!
-<>-
(~~~~~~~~~)
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>Reflections...
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for
freedom, until they are flashing behind you.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at
your X and wondered Y?
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks
of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of
the pool and throw them fish?
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name
on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam
them on the ground for maximum damage.
I hate when I am about to hug someone really gorgeous and my face
hits the mirror.
You're not fat, you're just ... easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a
couple of payments.
A fool and his money…are soon invited everywhere.
Think about it.
---
...TeeHee! I did! And it reminded me of Obama....
=======================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
BREAKING: Obama’s Last White House Party A CLASSLESS Slap At
Trump
http://tinyurl.com/zhfxuqt
Only problem is, is that it is OUR Money he keeps spending!
Here’s how much the Obama family has spent on vacations over the
last eight years - Again - Taxpayer Money!
http://tinyurl.com/zhhe8xt
If he isn't partying it up on taxpayer's dimes, he's spending it
on bad deals...
Fact-Check: Yes, the Nuclear Deal Hands ‘$150 Billion’ Over to
Iran
http://tinyurl.com/z6f83h4
Then the news media goes nuts when they learn the average
American isn't saving money - saying this...
'Nearly 7 in 10 Americans have less than $1,000 in savings!'
http://tinyurl.com/pv4r52b
They say it is because we are such big spenders and don't know
how to save. They fail to mention that perhaps it is the fact
that the average American household makes less money now than
they did in the year 2000 - after inflation it is a -2.2%:
http://tinyurl.com/j56havf
US Household Income. According to the Census ACS survey, the
median household income for the United States was $55,775 in
2015, the latest data available
Just Think - 150 million of us could be given our $1,000 safety
net in our savings account. I just get pretty unhappy with the
way the Obama administration has spent our hard earned taxpayer
money!
He spent $350,000 to try to control Israel's election
Obama admin. sent taxpayer money to campaign to oust Netanyahu
http://tinyurl.com/zcaq5cx
There goes another 350 safety nets - and Obama says Russia
is bad for hacking into an email that any 14 year old could
have hacked in order to get back at Hillary for her meddling
in his country's election by exposing to the UN things about
him. Seems Podesta did what we all know not to do which is
to not have private emails on a public free server and not to
click or open emails or links from people we are unsure of
unless we want to have our email account hacked in to. They
say when Russia realized that Hillary was probably going to
win anyway, they decided to wait until she was President and
use the hacked info they had gotten against her (to blackmail
her). Good thing Ms liar never won.
Anyway, seems tic for tac type business to me. But what do I
know? I just give the government my money and expect them to
do the best responsible thing with it for our country's well
being. Right? - yea, right.
MMA Fighters Respond To Meryl Streep's Diversity Jab (also
she levied heavy criticism at President-elect Donald Trump)
http://tinyurl.com/z45k7mr
---
...It gets old when Hollywood elites keep using any stage
they have to rip other people. I am really tired of this
stupid lie about Trump making fun of a reporter because he
was handicapped. I am most sensitive to this sort of thing
since my own mom was handicapped loosing most of her right
arm during an auto accident. Making fun of others is one of
the lowest things people can do. I always told my kids if
someone was making fun of them or bullying them it was just
because they were jealous of them and felt bad about
themselves. They have to knock someone else down to make
them self feel bigger or better.
However, Trump is a different sort of person. He has very
little patience for incompetent people no matter who they
are. Probably because he demands high competence out of
himself. The video of him portraying this reporter as Bill
O'Reilly showed his viewers on Fox one night, was the exact
same way Trump portrayed others in the past that he felt
were not doing a good job - they were what he thought of as
playing the 'dumb' card - or DUH! - as he figured and not
doing their job adequately. That was what he felt this
reporter had done. Trump had said he didn't know he was a
special needs person and was not acting to show how he was
physically but how this reporter had incompetently asked him
a question. Of course, Hillary and the left grabbed on to this
and no matter how many times Trump said he was not making fun
of him for being handicapped and stated he would never ever do
that, they throw it in his face about what a horrible person
he is and all of us are who supported and voted for him.
It gets old. And so do all these hypocritical people who put
themselves above everyone else as if they are such goody two
shoes themselves and never do make any mistakes.
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
There is a little bit of poetic justice to this story.
Apparently it is illegal to use harpoons for fishing in
certain areas of Brazil from November through January. Which
is why it was a bit suspicious for a local fisherman to seek
emergency medical treatment for a harpoon in the face.
27-year-old Hugo Pereira da Silva was out fishing with a
friend at the Rio Paranaiba dam in Araguari when the 3 foot
spear pierced his face. The spear was just inches away from
causing more serious injuries, even death.
Araguari fire department Deputy Lt. Lucenildo Batista Alves
said: "Unfortunately, they were not careful with the
positioning, the distance. And the waters of the river in our
region are murky, especially in the very dirty rainy season."
The harpoon-headed fisherman was treated, and he has been
released from the hospital.
-<>-
A woman was rushed to a hospital after a restaurant employee
set her on fire during a trick with an alcoholic beverage,
according to police in California. Santa Ana police said that
they have launched an investigation after the woman was
burned.
According to the police investigation, a waiter poured
alcohol at the bar and decided to perform a trick with the
beverage early on Sunday morning.
Suddenly, the alcoholic beverage caught on fire and the
flames spread to the woman's hair and clothes. The woman
suffered burns to her head and face.
The woman was taken to a hospital in the area. No other
injuries were reported.
*------------ Hurray for Hollyweed ------------*
The new year also brought a new sight for residents of La
La Land on Sunday. The famous "Hollywood" sign in the hills
over Los Angeles read slightly differently -- "Hollyweed."
Someone made the changes to the iconic Los Angeles landmark
by obscuring parts of the double-'o' to make them appear as
a double-'e.' The Los Angeles Police Department, which has
jurisdiction over the sign, said surveillance video has
indicated that a lone individual made the change.
Incidentally, this isn't the first time the sign read
"Hollyweed." The same change was made exactly 41 years ago,
on the same date -- New Year's Day -- in 1976 by an art
student as part of a project assignment. That was also the
day California law changed to make possession of marijuana,
up to an ounce, a misdemeanor rather than a felony.
*-------- Man Robs Bank for Bail Money --------*
You don't find many friends like this. A man who wanted to
raise cash to bail out his female roommate, decided to rob
a bank while leaving his sick stepdaughter home alone,
according to police in Texas. Odessa police said that they
have arrested 47-year-old Gregory regory Wayne Fant, after
being accused of robbing the Prosperity Bank. According to
the police investigation, Fant was taking care of his sick
stepdaughter when he decided to rob a bank in order to raise
enough cash to bail out his female roommate. He went into
the Prosperity Bank and threatened a teller with a gun. He
fled from the scene with nearly $10,000 in cash. He then
used some of the cash to bail out his female roommate from
jail. The roommate was identified as Latrice Hopes. But no
good deed goes unpunished, because it was Hopes who later
called the police to say that Fant robbed the bank.
...Maybe there is something in the water...
*-- Naked Woman Crashes Stolen Sheriff's Car --*
The naked news continues. Last week we had the naked hooter
shooter in San Diego, and this week we have an unusual
high-speed pursuit in Arizona involving a Maricopa County
Sheriff's vehicle stolen by a naked woman. The woman
allegedly took officers and deputies on a 75-mile chase,
with speeds reaching 100 miles an hour at times. It all
began in Gila Bend, when the woman walked up to a gas station
there. The station's manager said the woman appeared to be
in her late-20s or early-30s, and appeared calm. Some people
outside the station called Sheriff's deputies, and one
arrived within two minutes. Officials with the MCSO said the
deputy tried to help the woman. "It was at that time that
she entered the deputy's vehicle, and actually started
driving off," said a department spokesperson. Spike strips
helped bring the bizarre pursuit to a dramatic end, near the
town of Eloy.
*-- Naked Man Accused of Robbing Pizza Store --*
What do you know? Another story about a crazy naked person.
Authorities have arrested a man who they say burglarized a
pizza shop in the nude earlier this month. Baltimore County
police said in a statement that 23-year-old Jonathan K.
Newman has been charged with second-degree burglary following
the break-in into Slice Pizza. Police say Newman's pants
ripped off as he entered the store from a roof vent. Video
footage shows the suspect then took off his shirt to cover
his face. The store owner told local news that there was no
money in the cash register, but the suspect still caused
thousands of dollars in damage to the store.
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Bunni :)
_
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(`(,(
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.'/ /___/
.' / / //
__/_.' |(\`\
--jgs''-- /'_.]--''- _\| `-| ---''''---....--'
`"""' `"" `
>WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE...
A little old lady answered a Knock on the door one day, only
to be confronted by a well-dressed young woman carrying a vacuum
cleaner..
"Good morning," said the young woman. "If I could take a couple
minutes of your time, I would like To demonstrate the very latest
in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go Away!" said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any
money!''
And she proceeded to try to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the Young woman wedged her foot in the door and
pushed it wide open.
''Don't be too hasty!'' she said. ''Not until you have at least
seen My demonstration.''
And with that, she emptied a bucket of horse Manure onto her
hallway carpet.
"Now, if this vacuum cleaner does Not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I Will personally eat the
remainder.''
The old lady stepped back and Said:''Well let me get you a fork,
cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
Oh oh. ;>
-<>-
_
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jgs _/L\_
>Why Parents Drink...
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent
but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home
phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?"
Small voice whispered, "YES, HE'S OUT IN THE GARDEN,"
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered,"NO."
So the boss asked, "Well, is your Mommy there?"
"Yes, she's out in the garden too."
The boss asked; "May I talk with her?"
Again the ‘NO’.
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message,
the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"YES", whispered the child, "A POLICEMAN."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home,
the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"NO, HE'S BUSY," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"TALKING TO DADDY AND MOMMY AND THE POLICE DOG MEN."
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background,
the Boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"IT'S A HELICOPTER" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly
apprehensive.
"The search team just landed a helicopter."
"A search team?" said the boss "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled
giggle...
"ME".
-<>-
_
_ /_)
(/|
__|___
./ \.
./) (\.
(______________)
((( )))
((( ^ ^ )))
(( @ @ ))
(c C o)>
\ ___, /
\_ _/ jgs
`--'
>The Will
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His
nurse, his wife his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks
for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to
record His last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City
Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings
on The banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize
his extensive Holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man
to have accumulated all this Property."
The wife replies, "The jerk just had a paper route."
-<>-
.&&&&&&&&&&&&&.
.&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&.
.&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
&&&&&&&&&:&&:&&:&&:&&&&&&&&&&
&&&&&&&&:&'&''&&''&&'&:&&&&&&&&
.&&&&&&'(((((( ))))))'&&&&&&.
&&&&&&'(/````\ /````\)'&&&&&&
&&&&:' `\ (_) ) \ ( (_) /` ':&&&&
&& ( :. '''''' \ `````` .: ) &&
&&\ \:::. ,__) .:::/ /&&
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&&&&&&&&&\ `---` /&&&&&&&&&
&&&&&&&&&&`-._ _.-'&&&&&&&&&&
&&&&&&&&&&& `"""` &&&&&&&&&&&
&jgs&&&&&&' '&&&&&&&&&
>More REFLECTIONS
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive,
they'd eventually find me attractive.
I changed my password to "incorrect," so whenever I forget it
the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves
sound perspicacious.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at
home when you wish they were.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
When I married Miss Right, I had no idea her first name was
“Always”
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking
for it.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than
men spend thinking.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The grass may be greener on the other side, but at least you
don't have to mow it.
I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people
who annoy me.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
Money is the root of all wealth.
---
...TeeHee! Good ones! Thanks Bunni!
========================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
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{{{ }}
Rushing to get to the movies, my husband and I told the
kids we had to leave "right now" at which point our teenage
daughter headed for the bathroom to apply makeup. Her dad
yelled for her to get in the car immediately, and headed
for the garage grumbling.
On the way to the multiplex my husband glanced in the
rearview mirror and caught our teen applying lipstick and
blush, which produced the predictable lecture. "Look at
your mom," he said. "She didn't put on any makeup just to
go sit in a dark movie theater."
From the back I heard, "Yeah, but Mom doesn't need makeup."
My heart swelling with the compliment, I turned back to
thank this sweet, wonderful daughter of mine just as she
continued, "Nobody looks at her."
-<>-
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.
They are appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.
Later, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a
very nice boy."
"Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice,
would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
-<>-
Choosing a movie? Try these extremely abbreviated plot
explanations:
- The Shining: A family's first Airbnb experience goes very
wrong.
- The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours returning
jewelry.
- Titanic: Everyone tries the ice-bucket challenge.
- Beauty and the Beast: Stockholm syndrome works.
- The Chronicles of Narnia: Kid comes out of the closet.
-<>-
A man and his friend were exiting a drugstore and at the
front door there was a scale.
"Look, a scale," the man said to his friend. "Let's see how
my new diet is working out."
He stepped on the scale.
"I can't believe it!" he said as he read the result. "I've
been on this diet for two weeks but the scale says I'm heaver
than I was before! How can that be?"
He pondered this as he stepped off the scale, then had a
thought. He took off his jacket and handed it to his friend.
"Here, hold my jacket," he said.
The friend took the jacket as the man stepped back on the
scale.
Not much change.
"Here," he said as he handed his purchase from the drugstore
to his friend. "Hold my Twinkies too."
-<>-
Four years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams for the
first time. Today I asked her to marry me. She said 'no'
both times.
-<>-
Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can
use and which ones are for the better people who visit your
wife's home.
-<>-
If I could become invisible, I would go to Paris, find a
performing street mime and beat the crap out of him. The
round of applause he would get would be amazing.
-<>-
The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving
several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two
emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained
our situation.
After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on
the other end said, "I don't know what you expect me to do
for you; I'm a psychologist."
"A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed here as
an emergency number. Can't you help us?"
"Well," he finally responded in a measured tone. "How do you
feel about being stuck in an elevator?"
-<>-
I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So
when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know
how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20
years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a
card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'
When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.
"Just where do you think you going?" she asked.
"What do you mean?" I said.
She read the card aloud as the florist had written it:
"Thanks for putting up with me. So long."
=========================================================
>-->From TheJokester:
sSSSSSSs
SSS'\\\\SS
SSS` - -'SS
SS(, a \a S
SSSSS -' |S
'SSS\ '= /S/|
'S|`-. __.' / |
.-'| `-.__.' .-\
/ /-. | | { _/
\_ } | | `|
| | | |
'. | | .'
jgs '-.| |.'
`"`
>A Lecture about English
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one
day.
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In
some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is
still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a
double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
-<>-
>Course Evaluations
College students, at the end of a course, are often asked to
evaluate the various factors involved in it: Instructor, text,
and so forth. Here are some collected comments:
"What's the quality of the text?"
"Text is printed on high quality paper."
"Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."
"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
"In class, the syllabus is more important than you are."
"Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"
"Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."
"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame"
"Textbook is confusing ... someone with a knowledge of English
should proofread it."
"Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another?
That's the way I felt all term."
"This class was a religious experience for me ... I had to take
it all on faith."
"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot
attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never
understand him."
"Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam
material."
"Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who
I was, where I was, and what I was doing - it's a great stress
reliever."
"He is one of the best teachers I have had ... He is well-
organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the
subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting
tenure."
"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels.
They've got a cool nest in the tree."
"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."
"TA steadily improved throughout the course ... I think he
started drinking and it really loosened him up."
"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose - spraying
in all directions - no way to stop it."
"I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led
Zeppelin tapes that I used while doing the problem sets."
"The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class
was covered on the final exam."
-<>-
_____
_._ | |
.' '. | N O |
/ //\\\ \ |_____|
( ( -\- ) ) |
'-\_=_/-' /)
.-'\ /'-. (|/
/ '-' \ / /
| \__ __/_/\/ /|
| |\ / \ /
\ \ \ '-'
`\/\ ;
|/|\ |
| |
| |
| |
|_______|
| | |
\ | /
jgs /=|=\
(_/T\_)
>The Beauty of English
Ever noticed how deleting one word after the other in a sentence
can lead to a nice story? Here's an example:
Oh John please don't touch me at all...!
Oh John please don't touch me...!
Oh John please don't touch...!
Oh John please don't...!
Oh John please...!
Oh John...!
Oh...!
=========================================================
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-<>-
>Please Visit This Link to Get New Traffic For Shangrala :)
Fun Pages
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-<>-
>From Our Friend Bunni :)
Knott's Berry Farm: 1964
http://tinyurl.com/zgzmffv
---
...Interesting! Thanks Bunni!
-<>-
>From Our Friend Linda :)
The Amazing iPad Magician
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_xhSQGKxO4
---
...Sweet! Thanks Linda!
-<>-
>From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
Mr. Bean's First Date
http://www.ba-bamail.com/video.aspx?emailid=13680
Mr. Bean at the Dentist
http://www.ba-bamail.com/video.aspx?emailid=20184
Mr. Bean at the Library
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Mr. Bean Goes to Church
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http://www.ba-bamail.com/video.aspx?emailid=22403
---
...HaHa! He's so funny! Thanks LouiseAu!
=======================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"Yale University's being pushed to modify a poetry course
because students have complained that the content is too
white. Students objected specifically to a poem called
'Ode to a Lost Prius in the Whole Foods Parking Lot.'"
-Conan O'Brien
"The post office just can't get its act together. They
announced today they want to raise the price of stamps so
they can make an extra $2 billion. That is still better
than their original plan - uninvent the Internet."
-Jimmy Fallon
"A new study found that American workers lack the problem-
solving skills that workers in other countries have. When
American workers heard about the study they said, 'So?
What can we do about it?'" -Jimmy Kimmel
"My New Year's resolution this year was to get a gym member-
ship, use it twice, and then never use it again. I'm already
halfway there." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"A seventh grade teacher in California was arrested for
teaching while drunk. Which is why an entire Earth Science
class now thinks hurricanes are formed when rum collides
with lime juice, passion fruit, and crushed ice in a hot
pink souvenir cup from Senor Frog's." -Jimmy Fallon
"New research came out that reveals that being attractive
in high school leads to success later in life. So finally
some good news for hot, popular teenagers." -Conan O'Brien
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy!
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FUN URLS
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
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-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep.
You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy,
good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
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Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
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A Recipe
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