Mistletoe At The Airport And More... :) Shangy!
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================
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-Luciano Decrescenzo
~ CALLING ALL CARING ANGELS ~
_.---,_
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================
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-<>-
* NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or
any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving
the scroll button on the mouse.
You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in
your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while
pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for
smaller text!
================
>-->2 HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :)
This sizzling hot new page is from our friend Geniann. It
is one sure to delight both our car and history buffs. I
love seeing what the rich were driving back in the day and
even now only the rich can afford this over 100 year old
car! Check this sweet ride out for yourself here...
____________
.F............T.
| .----------. |
| |',' ',' , | | _......_ .''''''''''.
| `----------' | _+' `+_ .' '.
_|.-. _...._ .-.|_ _/.-. _...._ .-.\_ _|.-. _...._ .-.|_
(_)`-' __[]__ `-'(_) (_)`-' __{}__ `-'(_) (_)`-' __/\__ `-'(_)
(....__|LESTER|__....) (....__|LESTER|__....) (....__|LESTER|__....)
| | ~~~~~~ | | | | ~~~~~~ | | | | ~~~~~~ | |
`-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-'
Rare Old Rolls-Royce!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/rollsroyce.html
---
...Astounding! Thank Geniann!
Our next super hot new page is from our friend LouiseAu.
It too will delight our history buffs but also be one that
most of us will find most interesting, nostalgic and quite
heartwarming. If, like me, you'll be playing the video here
over and over again singing with it! Check it out here...
,-.-.
/ ,-. \
,-. ( |a a| ) ,-.
: `( : o ; )' :
____|____(_.>-<._)____|____
(_| / \ |_)
|| : `.|,' : ||
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; | /SSt\ | :
/ ; ;| ,'|`. |: : \
/ /| /|;._____.:|\ |\ \
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/ / / ; : \ \ \
/ / / /| |\ \ \ \
( / / / | | \ \ \ )
`(_ / / ; : \ \ _)'
`'.(_./___\._).`'
Vintage Christmas Times!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/vintagechristmas.html
---
...This was fascinating! Thanks LouiseAu!
=======================================================
>-->From SmileZilla:
____
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(;(;;---'' (_(_(;; miraculis /jgs
A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On
the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been traveling in
circles.
"We're lost!" One of the men complained. "I thought you said you were
the best guide in the United States."
"I am," the guide answered, "but I think we may have wandered into
Canada."
-<>-
A married couple in their early 60's was celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny
yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being
loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my
darling husband."
The Fairy waved her magic wand and - poof - two tickets for the Queen
Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my
wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof... the husband became 92
years old.
-<>-
A foreman sent out two groups of men to put up telephone poles along a
new highway and asked them to report at the end of the day. The crews
were gone all day and returned just as the sun was setting.
The foreman asked the leader of the first group how many poles they had
installed. The reply was eleven. The foreman patted the guy on the back
and said, "Not bad."
Then he went to the leader of the next group and asked him the same
question. "Two" was the reply.
"Two! All you installed were two?! The other group installed eleven!"
The foreman exclaimed angrily.
"Yeah," the leader answered, "But you should have seen how much they
left sticking out!"
=======================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
December 11 is National Noodle Ring Day
December 12 is Channukah, National Ding-a-Ling Day and Poinsettia Day
December 13 is Ice Cream Day and Violin Day
December 14 is International Monkey Day, National Bouillabaisse Day,
and Roast Chestnuts Day
December 15 is Bill of Rights Day and National Lemon Cupcake Day
December 16 is National Chocolate Covered Anything Day
December 17 is National Maple Syrup Day
=======================================================
>-->From GoodCleanFun:
%%% %%
%%%.%%.
<)_/\ /|
___(_,_),_)|___
|| // \ / ||rs
>Wedding Speech
My nephew was getting married to a doctor's daughter.
At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his
toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Several
times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was
a moment of deep emotion.
But after a particularly long pause, he explained, "I'm sorry. I
can't seem to make out what I've written down."
Looking out into the audience, he asked, "Is there a pharmacist in
the house?"
-<>-
>Showing a Profit?
"I don't understand," asked the new accountant. "If you're selling
these computers way under cost, how is it you're showing a profit?"
"Simple," said the business owner. "We make our money fixing them."
-<>-
>Yield for Pedestrians?
Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store, painted on
the ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 feet tall: YELD
Close, but not close enough. I drove through the following week and
found it was changed. They had painted an I between the existing
letters. Now it read YEILD.
About two months later they finally fixed it. The old lettering was
painted over with black and freshly painted on top of that was the
word STOP.
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
.-=-.
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//"\\ \ - /
(/6 6\) _.) (._
)\ = /(-` `:` `\
_(_ ) ( _)-| : |\ \
(_/ `\_/` \ | : |/ /
/ (_ @ _) \\_ : _/ /
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| | | | |
| | | | |
|_____| | | |
||| | | |
||| | | |
||| |_|_|
jgs / Y \ / T \
`"`"` `"`"`
>SMILES
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel
drive vehicles?"
"She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a
fake jeep!!"
--------
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon
a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into
the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer; dunks him into the water again
for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water
and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
the water again--- but this time holds him down for about 60 seconds
and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you
found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?
--------
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the
woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be
taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I wonder
then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'."
--------
Overheard on a plane:
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
--------
A teenager who had just received her learner’s permit offered to
drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally
reached their destination.
The mother got out of the car and added, "Thank you!"
"Any time," her daughter replied.
As the woman slammed the door, she answered, "I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to God."
--------
John was driving home late one night when he picked up a hitchhiker.
As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his passenger. John
checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that
was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there! So he slammed on
the brakes, ordered the hitchhiker out, and said, "Hand over the
wallet immediately!"
The frightened hitchhiker handed over a billfold, and John drove off
When he arrived home, he started to tell his wife about the
experience, but she interrupted him, saying, "Before I forget, John,
do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning?"
--------
These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into
his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you
try this ball?"
He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."
His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!"
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it
into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water
it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up
in order for you to find it."
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but the guy shows his
friend all the possibilities until he is convinced.
The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that
ball?!"
The man replies, "I found it."
--------
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to
use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it, because it was hot in
the summer, cold in the winter, and stank all the time. The outhouse
was sitting on the bank of a creek, and one day, the boy determined
that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen, so the little boy
decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek! He got
a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into
the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after
supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The
dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It
was you, wasn't it, son?"
The boy answered 'yes.' Then he thought a moment, and explained,
"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a
cherry tree, and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the
cherry tree."
--------
On the first day of school the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone
has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
--------
A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted
speed limit. He asked the driver her name. She said, "I'm Mrs.
Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of
Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Columbia."
The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK ...
but don't let me catch you speeding again."
--------
A poultry farmer was experimenting to breed turkeys with more legs
for greater profits. Finally, he succeeded.
While narrating the results to his friends, he told them, "The turkey
I bred had six legs!"
His friends, who had got quite excited, eagerly asked, "What about
the taste?"
The farmer said with a long-drawn face, "I have no idea. Can't catch
it."
--------
_ __
(") Ehhh... A user-friendly / ') Hrrrmph!
_T_ `-.interface to kitchen- ( (T -.__.!
/\_/\ utensils? / )
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] | [ (/ (\
(_|_) |\. |\. Ojosh!ro
>Things to Ponder
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and
procrastinate all at once.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.
Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and
the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually
expected?
Take my advice - I'm not using it.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound
perspicacious.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when
you wish they were.
Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a
computer.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing
is gathering dust.
Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a
more-talented fool.
I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting
on your pants.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick
boxing.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always.
My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed
to jump out of her way.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend
thinking.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself
type.
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have
to mow it.
I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
Money is the root of all wealth.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
---
...LOL! Thanks LouiseAu!
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Geniann :)
, ,
/ \
((__-^^-,-^^-__))
`-_---' `---_-'
<__|o` 'o|__>
\ ` /
): :(
:o_o:
"-" [pb]
>Funnies
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette
balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west
to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving,
she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull,
I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and
decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell
it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest
town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks
into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my
sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her
to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can
haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to
help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
With just $1 left, she realizes that she'll only be able to send her
sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says,
"I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The telegraph
operator shakes his head. " How will she know what you mean, if you
only send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, she'll read it very
slowly."
-<>-
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Storm
A farmhand went to church one Sunday, but when he entered he saw that
he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the
farmhand if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
"Well," said the farmhand, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed
my cattle and only one showed up, I'd still feed him."
So the minister began his sermon. An hour passed, then two hours,
then two and a half hours. Finally the preacher finished and asked
the farmhand whether he had enjoyed the sermon.
"Well," said the farmhand, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed
my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the
hay."
-<>-
Some years ago, there was a Mensa Convention in San Francisco.
Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an
IQ of 140 or higher.
Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe. When
they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained
pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling
any, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job
for Mensa minds.
The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came
up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an
empty saucer.
They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper
shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."
But before they could finish the waitress interrupted them. “Oh,
sorry about that." She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps
of both bottles, and switched them.
There was dead silence at the Mensa table.
This reminds me of our government: solutions could be so simple, but
the brilliant minds in Washington have to make them so complicated.
-<>-
.----.
===(_)== THIS WONT HURT A BIT...
// 6 6 \\ /
( 7 )
\ '--' /
\_ ._/
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`"`
(An Et-Ahem)
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind
him, "My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot
cheaper than a doctor!"
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks
for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis
elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will
improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Joe began wondering if the Computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for
good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits
ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better!
Thank you for shopping at Costco!
---
...Oh For Goodness Sake! LOL! Thanks Geniann!
=======================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
Trump Heartwarming FULL SPEECH: President Donald Trump at MASSIVE
MAGA RALLY in Pensacola, FL 12/8/17
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1bB3fU8oS4
Our long journey to the stars—and the Moon
Forty-five years ago today, NASA’s final Apollo mission landed on the
surface of the Moon. No human has walked there since.
This afternoon, President Donald J. Trump will tell the country that
it’s time to refocus our vision for American space exploration.
In signing Space Policy Directive 1 today—the first recommendation of
the recently reconvened National Space Council—the President will shift
NASA’s resources and attention toward the Moon and Mars. Given its
relative closeness, the Moon in particular offers humans the best hope
for long-term exploration and utilization.
President Ronald Reagan once eloquently captured the sweep of mankind
as “his long climb from the swamp to the stars.” With President Trump’s
order today, America commits itself once again to writing the next
chapter of that story.
Watch the signing ceremony today at 3:00 p.m. EST.
https://tinyurl.com/y8bt2by9
1600 Daily
https://tinyurl.com/ycnfhqoz
Survey: US businesses added a solid 190,000 jobs in November
- The Associated Press
https://tinyurl.com/ycuykyng
Mike Pence: ‘Trump is a believer’
- The Washington Examiner
https://tinyurl.com/y738jmpj
Why President Trump is right to recognize Jerusalem as Israel's capital
- The Washington Free Beacon
https://tinyurl.com/y7xv3pmf
Bob Mueller vs. Ken Starr: A Classic Media Double Standard.
http://em.mrc.org/ympR6dqL0K0YSB108q00000
CNN mocked for airing segment on Trump's soda consumption while NYC
faced terror attack
https://tinyurl.com/yd3sebao
Tragedy as famous daredevil climber plunges to death from well-known
skyscraper
https://tinyurl.com/y87gl8lm
'Jaws' spotted? Massive great white shark sighted off Australian
coast
https://tinyurl.com/y9x89g7m
Latest From MRC News:
https://tinyurl.com/ya6uruck
Latest From TrueDailyNews:
http://truedaily.news/category/news/
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
Many people have been complaining about delivery packages
that have gone missing from their porches. Now, the mystery
may have been solved, at least in one Ohio neighborhood.
Police were called after someone saw a young boy stealing a
package from a home. The child then got into a red Toyota
Corolla that was driven by a teenager.
Police pulled over the vehicle and found the 10-year-old boy
and a teenage driver along with 21 stolen packages.
Authorities said that the shipping labels on the packages
showed that the items were taken from different houses in
the Mentor area.
Officers also found marijuana and drug paraphernalia inside
the car.
Officers arrested 18-year-old Corey Whalen. She faces charges
of theft, receiving stolen property, marijuana possession,
possessing marijuana paraphernalia, and contributing to the
delinquency of a minor.
The 10-year-old boy was also arrested. He was referred to
Lake County Juvenile Court. Police haven't revealed the
relationship between Whalen and the boy.
*--------------- Museum of Fail ---------------*
A pop-up museum dedicated to failed products is kicking off
its U.S. tour in Los Angeles. Conceived by Sweden-based
clinical psychologist Samuel West, who specializes in work-
place innovation, this celebration of failure launched to
sold-out crowds in Sweden. "It's hilarious to think of the
Museum of Failure as a success," West told the Los Angeles
Times. "I didn't expect it. I was, and still am, shocked
that I'm opening my little museum in Los Angeles." West said
the "Failure" moniker isn't meant to be an insult to the more
than 100 products found within. The exhibit includes famous
failures such as the DeLorean DMC-12, the Apple Newton
MessagePad and coffee-flavored Coca-Cola BlaK. The museum
also features lesser-known commercial flops, including I'm
Back and You're Fired! Trump, the Game; Colgate-brand frozen
dinners; Volvo's all-plastic Itera bicycle; and WiFi-enabled
juicer Juicerio. The museum also includes a "Failure
Confession Booth" where visitors can anonymously post their
own failures for others to see.
*----------- Smelly, Smelly Revenge -----------*
An Oregon mother targeted by package thieves got back at the
culprits with a decoy box filled with her infant son's soiled
diapers. Angie Boliek posted a photo to Facebook showing the
box of diapers she put out for thieves on her porch along
with a note reading, "Enjoy this you thief!" Boliek said the
initial stolen package contained 4-month-old Ben's new
Christmas pajamas. The mother said she put the box of dirty
diapers out on Sunday and it was gone by Monday evening. "I
wanted to get my own, I guess, passive-aggressive revenge,"
Boliek said. Boliek said she reported the theft to the police
and she and her husband are looking into installing a
security camera on their porch.
*------ Should Have Stayed In His Sleigh ------*
A skydiving Santa looking to make a grand entrance while
taking an Elf on the Shelf to a 9-year-old girl crashed into
a tree and light pole before hitting a Florida beach and
breaking his leg. George Krokus was dressed as Santa Claus
during a skydive to deliver toys to the Tampa Bay Beach Bums
Operation Santa Charity Volleyball Tournament. Madison Spiers
saw the crash and later found a note from the "elf" named
Kristoff who visits her house during the holidays. It said,
"As we were about to land, this big tree jumped right out in
front of us!" The elf sported a bandaged leg while staying
with the recovering Krokus.
*------------ Forget Amusement Parks ------------*
A Kentucky teenager realized a long-held dream after he hand-
built a roller coaster in his own backyard. Logan Moore, 16,
said he has always been fascinated with roller coasters and
wanted to build one himself. And after a year in carpentry
class, he devised a plan to do so. Moore worked on his
project for two months over the summer. "I mean in the summer
it would be one, two, three o'clock in the morning and he
would still be out here working," Moore's grandmother, Frieda
Baker, said. "One thing I wanna say is, don't ever think you
can't do something because I sure didn't think I could build
this. But I did," he said. "I'm going to keep this for a
little while and then I may do another one, may redesign this
one, but I will wait on that just a little bit because it's
been a lot of work," Moore said.
=========================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
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When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite
friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who had
returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed, with
a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship might
be a possibility between us.
"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.
"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age
difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He
looked at my chart and said, 'You're interested in someone
who's 104?!'
-<>-
An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a
prominent medical school.
"Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to
be five years from now?"
"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday
afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."
-<>-
A man is sitting in a fancy restaurant when his food finally
arrives at his table. As the plate is being served the man
notices the waiter has his thumb resting on the edge of his
steak.
"Umm, excuse me," the man says, "but I couldn't help but
notice you had your thumb on my steak."
"Yes, I know, sir," the waiter responds, "but I didn't want
to drop it again."
Many people hold down two jobs these days, so I wasn't
surprised when my hairdresser mentioned to me that he also
worked part-time at the race track. "That's interesting,"
I said. "What do you do?"
As he finished styling my hair, he replied, "I groom horses."
-<>-
"Do you remember first meeting your wife?"
"Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted
her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry
me, she would begin a new life and I'd never allow her near
the gutter again."
"Wow, what an incredible story! I hope she appreciates what
you did for her."
"Not really. Even though she stunk at it, Jill hated to give
up bowling."
-<>-
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his
father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies
became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same
question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved
to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!
Mommy said we came from monkeys."
His father replied, "No, your mother was talking about her
side of the family."
=========================================================
>-->From ScreamOfTheCrop:
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""--._/ bug \__.-"
[respect to Scott Adams!]
>Quotes:
These are not books, lumps of lifeless paper, but minds alive
on the shelves. -- Gilbert Highet
If my books had been any worse, I should not have been
invited to Hollywood, and ... if they had been any better, I
should not have come. -- Raymond Chandler
The wild dream is the first step to reality. — Norman Cousins
I don’t look to jump over 7-foot bars. I look around for 1-foot bars
that I can step over.
— Warren Buffett
-<>-
A cat died and went to Heaven.
God met her at the gates and said,
'You have been a good cat all these years.
Anything you want is yours for the asking.'
The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life
I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors.
I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'
God said, 'Say no more.'
Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident
and they all went to Heaven together.
God met the mice at the gates with the same offer
that He made to the cat.
The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives:
from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms!
If we could just have some little roller skates,
we would not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done.'
All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat.
He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.
God gently awakened the cat and asked,
'Is everything okay? How have you been doing?
Are you happy?'
The cat purrrred, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL!
I have never been so happy in my life.
The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels
you have been sending over are delicious!'
-<>-
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee
were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon,
when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's
the perfect time," Huan Cho Begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang...
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu
a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
And so do I!
MERRY CHRISTMAS
-<>-
If you don't laugh at least once while reading this there is something
wrong with you
WHAT NOT TO DO
a.
---._ _`8P .
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/ ( / __(P
--. \ \( ( _. \\\ ___ |/_
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`-/ `- \_(
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|
[________________a:f____________________
>STUN GUN (Only a guy would do this!)
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
'Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across
was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the
taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd
get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs... Awesome!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Betty what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of
a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if
I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against
a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Was I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself,
"no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER!, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it
again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when
you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-GUN... that hurt like heck! A minute or so later (I can't
be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my
wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get there?
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking for various body parts…
-<>-
, ,
, , |\_.'/
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/.-. `(_)(_)`--'
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jgs `;
>Mistletoe at the Airport
It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he
was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky
red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions
of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one
suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder
parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that
could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not
want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"OK, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"OK, (sigh) I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
Got A Nanosecond 5?
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/nano5.htm
Shopping With Men!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/menshopping.html
World's Most Expressive Cat!
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/expressivecat.html
Only One Job 4!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/onejob4.html
Metropolitan Museum Of Art!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/metmuseumart.html
Sweet Baby Animals!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/babyanimals3.html
Redneck Christmas Tree!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/redneck.html
Old Trains And Cars!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/trainsandcars.html
Morons At Work 4
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mwork4.html
Thoughts Into Action 10!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/action10.html
Redneck Innovations!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/redneckinnovations.html
Old Stars And Cars!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/starscars.html
Santa Ho Ho Oh No!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/santa.html
Things Defining The 1950's!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/1950things.html
Puppy Days Of Christmas!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/puppychristmas.html
Christmas Index Page!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/christmasindex.html
-<>-
>Please Follow/Visit Me On StumbleUpon:
https://tinyurl.com/y86f27fz
-<>-
>From Our Friend Geniann :)
LOCKED IN THE FIFTY"S
The music will get you... even if you don't want to watch the
slide show..
http://safeshare.tv/w/FEDEwZHZXu
This is a keeper for those who love planes, Note 215 great pics from
the USAF Museum. Enjoy!
http://www.cdsg.org/forums/viewtopic.php?t=381
---
...Wow! Spectacular! Thanks Geniann!
Government gone wild!
watch this video and give it serious thought...
https://www.youtube.com/embed/xOAgT8L_BqQ
---
...Yes, D.C. has some of the richest people! Deep state for sure!
Glad Trump is getting rid of a bunch of Obama's regulations! Thanks
Geniann!
-<>-
>From Our Friend Melody :)
Let It Snow!
http://carolynspreciousmemories.com/50s/letitsnow.html
---
...Beautiful! Thanks Melody!
Here's More...
Frosty!
http://carolynspreciousmemories.com/50s/frosty.html
It's Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas
http://carolynspreciousmemories.com/50s/beginningtolook.html
=======================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"Amazon is now making it possible to create a shopping
profile for your cat. Yeah, all you have to do is go to
Amazon and type in 'I am single.'" -Conan O'Brien
"A new study found that bacon and freshly baked bread are
Americans' favorite smells. Yeah, this morning instead of
putting on cologne, I just rubbed my neck with a B.L.T."
-Jimmy Fallon
"An Italian winery is releasing five limited-edition bottles
of Hello Kitty-themed wine for the holiday season. It's the
perfect gift for your alcoholic niece." -Seth Meyers
"Two hundred cows recently died in a field in Wisconsin.
Nobody knows the cause of death, but they suspect boredom."
-Conan O'Brien
"A brewery in Oregon is coming out with a new Sriracha-
flavored beer. That's right, beer that tastes like hot
sauce. They said it's the perfect beverage for finding out
if you're an alcoholic: 'There's only one beer left and it
has hot sauce in it - just give it to me!'" -Jimmy Fallon
"An Ohio-based company made a cup holder for dip that
attaches to a dashboard so you can eat chips and dip while
you drive. I don't have a joke about this, I just wanted
to remind you we're still the greatest country in the
world." -Conan O'Brien
"A new study has found that specially trained pigeons can
have up to an 85 percent accuracy rate of detecting breast
cancer in humans. Which means that 15 percent of the time
it's just a pigeon staring at your boobs." -Seth Meyers
"Astronomers announced today that they have discovered an
earth-sized planet in our corner of the galaxy that is
potentially habitable by humans. Yeah, they think the planet
may have breathable air and drinkable water, which is
impressive because we barely have those things here in Los
Angeles. The planet in question orbits a star called Ross
128. It's part of a larger system that includes Chandler,
Joey and Monica 128." -James Corden
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home
Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the
Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
Share
A Recipe
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