Happy April Fools' Day! ... :) Shangy!
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*~* We Had A FANTASTIC Month Of Caring And Sharing Last Month *~*
Be sure to check these out and share them with all your loved ones!
Living With Bears!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bears2.html
Back In Time 2!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/backintime2.html
Will Rogers Quotes!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/willrogers.html
Falkland Islands Babies!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/falklandislands.html
Eagle Hunters!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/eaglehunters.html
Cave Sculpture Art!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/caveart.html
When They Were Young!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/celebrities4.html
We The People!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wethepeople.html
We The People 2!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wethepeople2.html
Thoughts Into Action 12!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/action12.html
_ ______
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`-.,_\_)`-.,_\) `~-,___ ~___~,,..-~~/
jgs \___/`\____/'._.'
*~* Big THANK YOU And Huggums In Christ To All Our Super Contributors!
=======================================================
>-->From SmileZilla:
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kth
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You
don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert
explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove,
table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I
told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes", replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to
make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
-<>-
Question: Did you hear about the man that got a job in a watch factory?
Answer: All he did was stand around making faces.
=======================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
April 1 is April Fool's Day, Atheist Day, International Fun at Work Day
and International Tatting Day
April 2 is Children's Book Day, National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day and
Reconciliation Day
April 3 is Don't Go to Work Unless it's Fun Day, Tweed Day and World
Party Day
April 4 is Hug a Newsman Day, Walk Around Things Day, School Librarian
Day and World Rat Day
April 5 is Go for Broke Day, National Dandelion Day and National Walk to
Work Day
April 6 is California Poppy Day, National Tartan Day, New Beer's Eve,
Plan Your Epitaph Day and Sorry Charlie Day
April 7 is Caramel Popcorn Day, National Beer Day, No Housework Day
and World Health Day
=======================================================
>-->From GoodCleanFun:
__________________________________________/
------------------------------------------|
| | |~~~~~~~~~~| | | jro|
| *| *|Bless this|* |* | |
|_____|_____| ~Home~ |______|______|____|
_________ _________
| `| ((()) || ||
| |] ((- -)) ||_______||
|__________|___ ))\-/(( |_________|
| |---|/ ~v~ \ |_==___==_|
| |___|/(_ _)\\_________|_________|
| |___| \ ///---------|@@ @ @@|
| | | / \/ ||__*__|| _______ |
| \\\\ | |/_____\ ||__*__||| ||
| ( oo |___| | | |___||__*__|||_______||
|__\o/_____|___|_| | |___________|_________|
// \ |_|_|
\\_| (_) (_)
|||
(_)_)
>Beauty Mask
One morning, when my son was about 3 years-old, he saw me putting on
a pale green face mask. (Something I rarely do.)
"What 'ou doin'?" he said.
"I'm putting on a face mask," I replied.
"What it for?" he asked.
"It's to make Mommy look more beautiful," I told him.
He stood looking at me in that considering way that small children
have, then said as gently as possible, "Well ... it doesn't."
-<>-
Adopted?
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was
eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny,
since my son is a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black
Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car.
Finally, he asked. "Those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids
that small."
-<>-
>The Bishop
We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several
former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our
minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the
importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the
bishop does?"
There was silence.
Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move
diagonally."
-<>-
>The Truth
The editor of a small country newspaper, furious over several
government bills that had recently been passed, printed a scathing
editorial with an enormous headline: "HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS".
Many local politicians were outraged and exerted tremendous pressure
on him to print a retraction. He finally gave in to the pressure and
ran his apology with the headline: "HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS".
-<>-
>Social Security Card
In Florida, an assistant U.S. Attorney, was cross-examining a
defendant on trial for drug possession. A counterfeit Social Security
card bearing his name had been found in his wallet when he was
arrested. In the line of questioning, the U.S. Attorney reached the
topic of the phony card.
"This card is in your name, correct?"
The defendant replied that it was.
"Is this a real Social Security card?"
"I certainly hope so," he replied. "I paid $250 for it."
=========================================================
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>-->Happy April Fools' Day!
>Some of the World's best Hoaxes:
April Fools' Day ain't what it used to be.
Companies will come up with gags. Everybody will have a good laugh, but
nobody will be fooled.
Oh, for the days when April Fools' Day hoaxes and pranks could cause
lines outside liquor stores or prompt people to smell their TVs or choke
telephone lines with complaints to the National Park Service.
We're all so much smarter now, aren't we?
Aren't we?
Well, to prepare you for this day of trickery, here are 10 of the best
April Fools' pranks in history. After all, forewarned is forearmed. Or,
as Abraham Lincoln once observed, "Don't believe everything you read on
the internet."
1. Pasta grows on trees
On April 1, 1957, the BBC TV show "Panorama" ran a segment about the
Swiss spaghetti harvest enjoying a "bumper year" thanks to mild weather
and the elimination of the spaghetti weevil. Many credulous Britons were
taken in, and why not? The story was on television -- then a relatively
new invention -- and Auntie Beeb would never lie, would it?
The story was ranked the No. 1 April Fools' hoax of all time by the
Museum of Hoaxes website -- a fine source for all things foolish.
2. The fastest pitcher of all time
George Plimpton, always a wry writer, invented the tale of Mets pitcher
Siddhartha "Sidd" Finch for Sports Illustrated. The story about Finch,
who could throw 168 miles per hour, ran in the magazine's April 1, 1985,
issue, and eagle-eyed readers caught on immediately: The first letters
in the words of the story's secondary headline spelled out "Happy April
Fools' Day." But others wondered whether the Mets had added another
fireballer to their top-notch staff.
Plimpton later turned the story into a novel.
3. Redefining pi
How can anybody work with an irrational number that goes on and on and
on? Lawmakers in Alabama allegedly thought so, passing a law in 1998
that redefined 3.14159 ... to, simply, 3. Though the news was a hoax
from a man named Mark Boslough, it became widely disseminated and
believed. No wonder: In 1897, the Indiana legislature attempted to pass
a bill establishing pi as 3.2 (among other numbers).
4. Left-handed toilet paper
Why should right-handers be closer to cleanliness? In 2015, Cottonelle
tweeted that it was introducing left-handed toilet paper for all those
southpaws out there.
The joke followed a 1998 stunt by Burger King about its new "Left-handed
Whopper."
Few people may have been taken in by Cottonelle, but that wasn't the
case in 1973, when Johnny Carson cracked a joke about a toilet paper
shortage. Worried Americans immediately stocked up. Well, you can never
be too sure.
5. The Taco Liberty Bell
In this now-classic 1996 prank, Taco Bell took out newspaper ads saying
it had bought the Liberty Bell "in an effort to help the national debt."
Even some senators were taken in, and the National Park Service even
held a press conference to deny the news. At noon, the fast-food chain
admitted the joke and said it was donating $50,000 for the landmark
bell's care. The value of the joke, of course, was priceless.
6. Big Ben goes digital
The Brits are masters of April Fools' gags, and in 1980, the BBC's
overseas service said the iconic clock tower was getting an update. The
joke did not go over well, and the BBC apologized. That hasn't stopped
it from popping up again in the digital era, however.
Read all the rest here:
https://tinyurl.com/y2vkoeyl
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
///"\
|6 6|
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>SMILES:
The new girl friend asked the prospective beau, "Have you ever been
married?"
"As a matter of fact I've been married and widowed four times."
"My goodness! What did they die from?"
"The first three died from eating poison mushrooms and the last one fell
off the roof."
"Fell off the roof??? How did that happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
----------
I was scheduled to fly from Gatwick to Spain, where my wife was staying
for an extended holiday. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket
agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you
any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.
I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her
daughter.
He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"
----------
Little Johnny sat playing in the garden.
When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly
eating a worm.
She turned pale. "No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat
worms!"
Trying to convince him further she noted, "Now the mother worm is
looking all over for her nice baby worm."
"No, she isn't," said Johnny.
"How do you know she's not?" said the mother.
"Because I ate her first!" answered Little Johnny.
----------
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When
she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
'What happened, Mother?' the daughter asked. 'I had to slap his face
three times!' 'You mean he got fresh?' 'No,' she answered,' 'I thought
he was dead.'
----------
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls
Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
-----
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>SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT....
- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
- she thought a quarterback was a refund
- she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
- she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
- she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
- under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
- she tried to drown a fish
- she tripped over a cordless phone
- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said
"concentrate"
- she put lipsick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
- she got stabbed in a shoot-out
- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
- she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
- if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back
- they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
- she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put
"Sagittarius"
- she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
- it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
- she studied for a blood test - and failed
- she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
- she sold the car for gas money
- when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and
got 16 friends
- when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
- she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
- when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead
- when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said
"Airport Left" she turned around and went home
---
...Oh My! HaHa! Thanks LouiseAu!
=========================================================
>-->From HandyHints:
'."""""""""""""""""`.
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.'/)_/"" __ ""\.' ^ |
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>How to properly store FRUIT
Apples - Apples are ethylene gas producers so store away from
other produce. They can be stored on the counter for up to a
week or in the fridge for more than a week.
Avocados - Ripen on the counter then store in the refrigerator.
Bananas - Keep green bananas out of the refrigerator and let
them ripen on the counter or a banana hanger.
Berries - Blueberries, blackberries, strawberries and
raspberries are delicate and should not be washed until ready
to eat. Keep in refrigerator in dry, covered containers.
Cherries & Grapes - Store in refrigerator, unwashed, in their
packaged plastic containers or plastic bags until ready to
wash and eat.
Citrus fruit - Extend the shelf life of clementines, grapefruit,
lemons, limes and oranges by storing them in the crisper drawer
or in a mesh bag in the refrigerator.
Melons - Store cantaloupe and honeydew loose in the
refrigerator, even before they're cut. Watermelon can be kept
in a dark, dry place away from other produce. Keep cut melon
in the fridge.
Stone fruit - Keep nectarines, peaches and plums in a paper
bag on the counter until they are ripe then move to the
refrigerator where they'll last a few more days.
Tomatoes - Always store at room temperature as the
refrigerator will make them rot quickly. Keep loose in a
bowl away from sun or heat (like the stove.)
-<>-
>How to properly store VEGETABLES
Broccoli & Cauliflower - Broccoli and cauliflower are best
kept in separate refrigerator drawers away from other produce.
Celery - Store in the refrigerator.
Corn - Store in the refrigerator inside their husks.
Cucumbers - Store at room temperature. Can be kept in the
refrigerator for 1 to 3 days if they are used soon after
removal from the refrigerator.
Eggplant - Store at room temperature. Can be kept in the
refrigerator for 1 to 3 days if they are used soon after
removal from the refrigerator.
Green beans - Store in the refrigerator.
Leafy green vegetables - Greens like lettuce, collards, chard,
kale, and spinach should be stored in the refrigerator.
Onion family - Store garlic and onions in a cool, dark and
dry space but separate from other foods because of their strong
odors.
Mushrooms - Keep unwashed in the refrigerator. Moisture makes
them slimy.
Peppers - Store at room temperature. Can be kept in the
refrigerator for 1 to 3 days if they are used soon after removal
from the refrigerator.
Root vegetables - Store carrots, beets, and radishes in the
refrigerator. Store potatoes, sweet potatoes and winter squashes
in a cool, dark and dry place like a pantry or cellar.
-<>-
I love this tip from a fellow reader, Michele:
>Can't get rid of stains on napkins, tablecloths or doilies?
Grandma wouldn't toss them; she'd tea-stain them.
Add four or five black tea bags to a bucket of hot water and let them
steep for 10 minutes or so. Remove tea bags, add the cloth (swish it
around so it absorbs the water), and let it sit until you reach the
desired shade.
You'll get a lovely antique creamy brown, then wash in cold water.
-<>-
>Vinegar to remove sweat stains from clothing
Mix 1 part vinegar with 4 parts water. Pour or spray onto
underarms, collars or affected areas of clothing and soak
for at least one minute. Wash as directed on clothing tags.
-<>-
>Have you heard this quick tip to get grass stains out
of clothing?
Dissolve 1/2 cup of sugar with enough warm water to create
a thick paste. Apply directly on to the grass-stained
fabric. Let sit for at least an hour. Wash according to
directions on label.
-<>-
>Say Goodbye to Wrinkles
Ditch the time-consuming iron or handheld steamer to get wrinkles out of
a shirt or slacks. Throw a few ice cubes or a wet washcloth in the dryer
with your wrinkled clothes.
As the ice melts and the water turns to steam, it will remove the
wrinkles. This trick isn't as effective with heavier clothing but is a
miracle for lighter fabrics.
The best part is that you don't have to set the dryer for longer than 10
minutes for it to work.
-<>-
>Use cooking spray to remove soap scum in shower
Spray glass shower doors and tapware with light coating of
coating of non-stick cooking spray. Leave for 5-10 minutes.
Wipe off with clean cloth or paper towel, then wash away
with cold water. A slight residue will remain to form a
barrier against build up.
-<>-
>Turn on your slow cooker to clean it
Slow cookers are notoriously hard to clean.
However, there's an easy way to get them spotless: remove the food from
your slow cooker, fill it with soapy water, and turn the machine on low
for an hour to get off any hard-to-clean messes. When you're done, let
the slow cooker cool and use baking soda on a clean sponge to get rid of
any remaining residue.
-<>-
>'Go Green' Hint: Turn off the tap
It's an all-too-common habit to leave the tap running while washing your
face, brushing your teeth, doing the dishes, and so on.
Sure, the tap might get a little soapy if you turn it off while
lathering your hands, but think of it like turning off a light when
it's not being used - it's simple, brings no inconvenience, and saves
a lot of resources in the long run.
=======================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
Justice With Judge Jeanine * 3/30/19
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTaHmUSCyfg
Ingraham: The reckoning of the liberal media
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqjLS9fPa7o
Hannity: Mainstream media has lied to you for years
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jz53EEa8w8g
Hannity Fox News 3/28/19 | Donald Trump JR, Rush Limbaugh Exclusive
Interview
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JOyF3g7so_8
Trump Rally in Michigan - President Donald Trump speaks to supporters at
a Grand Rapids, Michigan 2020 reelection rally on March 28 2019
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D26phROYchI
Gutfeld on the media's day of reckoning over collusion:
When President Trump said fake news was the enemy of the people, boy,
did they prove him right.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95ECeTAW8gw
“A genuine crisis is building at the southern border as the perverse
incentives of U.S. asylum law invite a surge of migrants that is...”
https://www.whitehouse.gov/westwingreads/
Twelve years ago, the former U.S. Vice President of the United States
under Bill Clinton, Al Gore, made apocalyptic - Survival Update- The
Propaganda Behind Global Warming Lies -
https://tinyurl.com/y2ukpvw5
WhiteHouseNews:
https://www.whitehouse.gov/1600daily/
Latest From AFA:
http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw
Students For Life
https://tinyurl.com/yd5nxmu6
Latest From OperationRescue:
http://www.operationrescue.org/
Latest Product Alert: Poultry, Bread, Chocolate, Cat Food
http://www.emergencyemail.org/products/?fmt=text
Latest Health Alert:
http://www.emergencyemail.org/health/?fmt=text
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
When you belong to an online alien doomsday cult you sort of
have to expect this kind of thing to happen. Barbara Rogers
entered the Monroe County Courthouse in Pennsylvania for her
trial in the death of her boyfriend Stephen Mineo. Police
say Rogers shot Mineo in the head at a home near Tobyhanna.
Apparently, the two had been drinking, but the catalyst for
deadly lover's quarrel, according to Rogers, was something
called "Sherry Shriner" that the both of them belonged to.
According to court documents Rogers and Mineo were out at a
nearby bar until 2 a.m. Rogers says the couple had a few
drinks but were not drunk. Once they got home, the victim
suggested they go into the woods behind their house and
shoot his gun. Always a fun nightcap to an evening of
boozing.
When they went back inside Rogers claims they were in their
bedroom when Mineo put the gun to his own head, wrapped her
hands around the weapon and told her to pull the trigger.
According to investigators, Rogers called 911 to report the
shooting. She told dispatchers, "My boyfriend had a gun. He
told me to hold it here and press the trigger. Oh my god,
he's dead!"
Rogers claims she didn't know the gun was loaded and calls
the shooting an accident. The prosecution says the shooting
was not an accident and that Rogers could have prevented it.
According to investigators, Rogers and Mineo belonged to
"Sherry Shriner," an online cult centered on aliens and the
end of the world. Rogers claims the cult turned against her
and Mineo, and because of those problems, Mineo wanted her
to kill him.
Rogers plead not guilty to a charge of third-degree murder.
-<>-
(An ET-AHEM!)
It's the oldest trick in the book. A cop fakes emergency
calls so he can mess with his girlfriend in his squad
car without his wife finding out about it.
Okay, maybe not THE oldest.
A Florida police officer is under fire after starting
an affair with a woman online. Officer Kevin Thompson of
Lady Lake, resigned after pictures surfaced, showing him
pleasuring himself in his patrol car while he was in
uniform.
Thompson, who is married, responded to the personal ad of
the 38-year-old woman about four months ago, and the two
began meeting while the officer was on duty.
Thompson allegedly put out false patrol alerts so that he
could hang out with the woman while on duty.
During one of the visits, the woman came to his patrol car
and saw the officer pleasuring himself while holding a pair
of her underwear.
She told police that she took about 15 photos of the
officer's actions. That was his big mistake. Never let your
girlfriend take photos of you jerking off while wearing her
panties. Even civilians know what one.
The woman told deputies that she did not know that Thompson
was married when the affair began. When she learned that he
had a wife, the officer promised to leave his wife and live
with her, according to police. That did not happen.
After he tried to break up with her, the woman told officers
that she threatened to tell Thompson's wife about the affair
and to show her the pictures of him pleasuring himself in
his car.
Thompson then sent her threatening texts messages, saying
that if she did so, he will see to it that her daughters
are taken away from her and she will be arrested for
threatening a police officer, according to the police report.
Thompson resigned the day after the allegations were made
public.
*--- I'd Walk a Mile for a Weight-Lifting Camel ---*
Apparently there is not a lot of entertainment in Pakistan.
That must be why they torture camels for fun. Okay,
'torture' might be a strong word for it, but I doubt the
camels enjoy having thousand of pounds of rocks tied to
their backs in bizarre weight-lifting competitions. Animal
rights activists have blasted the 'barbaric' camel weight-
lifting contest which sees animals loaded up with packs of
rocks then forced to stand. On the day of the event, bags
of stones are weighed in front of competitors before being
placed on the humps and the backs of competing camels. The
camels then stand up and are made to walk around briefly.
PETA director Elisa Allen said: 'Camels are intelligent,
sensitive individuals, and treating them as living cranes
for human amusement adds to the many types of abuse,
including their eventual slaughter. This year's event was
won by a British man, 20-year-old Qasim Hussain, who lives
in Bradford, West Yorkshire. Qasim's four-year-old camel
lifted bags of rocks weighing a staggering 1.7tons, the
equivalent of a small car.
*--- Where's Geraldo Rivera When You Need Him? ---*
The owner of a restaurant in a historic Chicago building
said he discovered an underground vault that could
potentially contain a mobster's missing money. Grant
DePorter said he was clearing out some unused space in the
corner of the basement at Harry Caray's restaurant when he
discovered what appeared to be a doorway in the brick wall
that was closed up with newer bricks. "I went to the
Chicago History Museum and they got the plans. This was the
vault for the building," DePorter told local news. DePorter
said the building once belonged to mobster Frank "The
Enforcer" Nitti and his wife, Annette. Nitti, who took over
for Al Capone when the infamous mob boss went to prison,
died with several million dollars unaccounted for. DePorter
said he is hoping to find a means of exploring what's
behind the wall without tearing it down. He said he is
looking into the possibility of using an ultrasound machine
before deciding whether to break through the wall.
*--- Meteor or UFO? ---*
A seeming fireball in the sky over Los Angeles sparked
reports of a possible meteor, but turned out to be a Red
Bull wingsuit stunt. The streak in the sky over the city's
downtown Wednesday night led to multiple reports of a
possible meteor in the city, but the Los Angeles Police
Department tweeted the scene was a stunt for a film shoot.
Closer video shows two wingsuit flyers shooting off sparks
behind them as they streak through the sky. Red Bull
confirmed two wingsuit flyers were out over downtown Los
Angeles as part of a video shoot timed to coincide with the
supermoon.
*--- Minnesota Man Takes Bus to Work ---*
A man was arrested on a charge of theft after allegedly
stealing a public transportation bus because he wanted to
get to work, police in Minnesota said. The Hennepin County
Sheriff's Office said that they have arrested 31-year-old
Gregory John Jennrich, after being accused of taking the
Metro Transit bus that was parked at a gas station and
driving it to work. Jennrich was charged with theft. If
convicted, he faces up to five years in prison and a fine
of up to $10,000. According to the police investigation,
the operator of the bus was on a break at the Holiday gas
station, when the bus was stolen.
=========================================================
>-->From TheGroaner:
_________________________
(, ______________________ )
| | ||
| | @@@@ || @@@@
| | @@@@@@@ || @@@@@@@
| | @@ - - || - @@@@
| | @ c/ || '_ @@@
| | _@| |_ || __\@ \@
| | ( \ )/_\ /_ || _\\ (/ ) @\_/)
| | \ \|) / \) || |(__/ / /|
| | |\_/ ( -/ || \___/ ----/_|
| | / \ || ,: '(
| | : _/| || |: \
| | : | || |: )
| | : | || |: |
| |_______'____,_|_______|| |_____,_|
.---('________________________)--. | / (
|____ __________ _| | /\ )
|___| -o- | |__| -o- | ( \| /
|___| -o- | |__| -o- | | /'=.
b'ger|________| |__|______| '=>/ \
/ \ /|/
,___/|
>You Lie, You Die
There once was a magic mirror which would kill you if you lied to it.
One day a brunette was doing her makeup and said to herself, "I think
I'm the smartest woman ever!" She immediately dropped dead.
The next day a redhead was doing her hair and said to herself, "I think
I'm the prettiest woman alive!" She immediately dropped dead.
Finally, the following day, a blond was flossing her teeth. She stopped
and said to herself, "I think..." and dropped dead.
-<>-
[ |\';c 'c :',;,'";,': ,-- ==- ,
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>What's In The Box?
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on
the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there,
pal?"
"A mongoose."
"What for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and
I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for
protection."
"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the
box, "So is the mongoose."
-<>-
>The Best Costume
This guy goes to a costume party with a girl on his back.
"What the heck are you?" asks the host.
"I'm a snail," says the guy.
"But... you have a girl on your back," replies the host.
"Yeah," he says, "that's Michelle!"
-<>-
>Top 10 Old Folks Party Games
1. Sag, You're It!
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
4. Kick the Bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
6. Doc, Doc Goose
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical Recliners
-<>-
//-----------\\
// | | | \\
// \__ / \ / | \\
|| \| | / __||
|| \ | |_/ ||
||\ __ | |/ __ ||
|| \__/ \| |_/ \_||
|| _ ___| / \_ ||
||_/ \__/ |/_ \_/||
|| o \ _||
||\ / | \___/ ||
|| \___/ | \ /||
|| | / \_ )-<_||
|| / / \ / ||
\\ / | _>< //
//\\ | / \ //\\
|| \\-----------// ||
|| ||
/||\ /||\
/____\ /____\
>Q and A Quickies
Q: What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?
A: Wet feet!
Q: What has 40 feet and sings?
A: A choir!
Q: How do clams call their friends?
A: On their shell phones!
Q: Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
A: They're always bitter.
Q: Which position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your Mom.
Q: How do you know when you're really ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
=========================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
,%&& %&& %
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|;: |\ /' /\_\_ ~. _ ~ - //-
jgs\\/;: \'--' `---` `\\//-\\///
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are
asking for:
There are 365 days per year available for work. There are
52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per
week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend
16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170
days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts
for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With
a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days,
leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This
leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are
off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is
down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per
year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll
be darned if you are going to take that day off!
-<>-
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and
moving all over the place. My wife who was trying to feed
her said to me, "Straighten her up."
I looked at my daughter and said, "What are you doing with
your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It's time to
grow up and take some responsibility."
My wife hasn't asked me to help with her since.
-<>-
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel
really good today. I started out this morning with an act
of unselfish generosity. I gave twenty dollars to someone
who was needy and down on his luck."
"Twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give
away. What did your husband say about it?"
"He said, 'Thanks.'"
-<>-
A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5
years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, trusts the
number 5.
One day a friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5
will be running in the fifth race at the local track that
evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his
bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5.
Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.
-<>-
A man is sitting in a fancy restaurant when his food finally
arrives at his table. As the plate is being served the man
notices the waiter has his thumb resting on the edge of his
steak.
"Umm, excuse me," the man says, "but I couldn't help but
notice you had your thumb on my steak."
"Yes, I know, sir," the waiter responds, "but I didn't want
to drop it again."
-<>-
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to
break their vow of silence with two words. Ten years go by
and it's one monk's first chance to speak. He thinks for a
while before saying, "Food bad."
Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard."
A decade later and it's the big day again. He gives the head
monk a long stare and finally says, "I quit."
"I'm not surprised," the head monk says. "You've been
complaining ever since you got here."
=========================================================
>-->From ScreamOfTheCrop:
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.--'` ._ `/ <_
>,-' ._'.. ..__ . ' '-.
.-' .'` `'. '.
> / >`-. .-'< \ , '._\
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>Quotes:
A good conspiracy is unprovable. I mean, if you can prove it, it means
they screwed up somewhere along the line.
-- "Conspiracy Theory"
I worry about my child and the Internet all the time, even though she's
too young to have logged on yet. I worry that 10 or 15 years from now,
she will come to me and say "Daddy, where were you when they took
freedom of the press away from the Internet?"
-- Mike Godwin, Electronic Frontier Foundation
-<>-
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a
jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the
hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen
lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the
judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and
it was very clear that the defendant was guilty.
The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go
home, and everyone waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent
the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.
When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well, have they got a
verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing
nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
-<>-
___
/___\ ___
___/_____\___ /\ _\___
///o_\o\\ ((\\ \
___ \ //\\/ )o)\\ / __..--~~~--..__
. ~~~---...___ ___/\ _ /\__ ___...--~~ \_((\\_/\ . . . ____
. . /# #\/\ /\/ #\ . ___.. _)((\ \__..---~~~
. . __..-/# # # #o # # #\--~~~ /\\))(\__/ . .
__..---~~~ /# /|# # # # |\# \ . / /())))))) .
\ #\| # #o# #|/ #/ / //()))))))
. \# \# # # # /# / \ \_())))))\ \|/
\|/ \_#\# #o# /_#/ \ \)____( / .
_v_/ \____/__\_______. \ /____\/ .
_____.-~(__\\\/____(((______()() (/ \
/ _/[()'-------'| / \
\____.-~ | /\ | / \ \|/
. | || | /____________\
| || | | /\ |
\|/ | || | | / \ | .
. | || | \|/ ( \ / )
|___||___| |_| )_|
|* || *| . | | | | .
. _| || |_ _| / \ |_ JRO
/__/)_||_(\__\ <_/\\ //\_> \|/
"You think I MEANT to be late fer supper? Rustlers
tried to steal the herd on the back forty, the
crick has flooded in the south pasture, the Kiowas
staged another uprisin', a brushfire has burnt out
the north flat, a twister done blowed away the barn,
and on top of all that -- my dang horse demanded
to stop at the saloon fer a bottle of red-eye."
-Jonathon R. Oglesbee
>THINGS:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
-<>-
Here's a neat idea a teacher used in her creative writing class once. I
"tore the horoscopes from a magazine, made copies, and let the kids have
a shot at writing some. They were hysterical. These came from LEARNING
magazine."
Colleagues will be ecstatic to learn that you are now area distributor
for vitamins, jewelry, cosmetics, plastic containers, and imprinted
pencils. Give everyone the opportunities to buy, and inquire about
keeping a pushcart in a corner of the lounge.
Your famous grin, if interpreted as "enthusiasm," can keep you in good
stead through grueling meetings. Be forewarned, though, that only the
thinnest line separates a grin from a guffaw. Turn face away frequently,
and blow nose if eyes start to water.
-<>-
________
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d###P N####p
"^^" T####
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>The Questions: (save your answers)
1) How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?
2) What was the number and color of Richard Petty's cars?
3) Bill Dance is good at what?
4) What university does Bill Dance root for?
5) Where did Herschel Walker play (college) football?
6) After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what?
7) In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block V8?
8) A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin' language?
9) What is a chigger?
10) What is scrapple?
11) Where is "The Redneck Riviera"?
12) What's that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak trees?
13) What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury, __________________.
14) What's the common name for a bowfin?
15) If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get?
16) Who sang "Your Cheatin' Heart"?
17) What are grits made out of?
18) Who was nicknamed "The Bear"?
19) Why is the Blue Ridge blue?
20) What did The Baldwin Sisters make?
21) Who was Andy Taylor's love interest?
22) What are the radio station call letters that carries "The Grand
Ol'Opry"?
23) Where would you find Vidalia Town?
24) What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?
25) What instrument did Bill Monroe play? (typically)
26) How many strings on a banjo? (two possible answers)
27) When you argue with a fool, what is he doing?
28) What is a scuppernong?
29) Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?
30) Why do you want to eat "high on the hog"?
31) What color is a John Deere?
32) What do you call the offspring of a mule?
33) What will you harvest when you plant "shade"?
The Answers, according to Nathan:
1) 7
2) 43, red and blue
3) Fishin'
4) University of Tennessee
5) University of Georgia
6) Hard peanuts
7) 283
8) French
9) A redbug (small parasite)
10) A sausage-like loaf made out of pig parts
[[[ i thought scrapple was a pennsylvania delicacy (yuk)
-- Jokemaster]]]
11) Panama City, FL
12) Spanish moss
13) Evinrude
14) Mudfish
15) Nothing. A steer has been castrated.
16) Hank Williams
17) Corn
18) Paul Bryant
19) Because of pollen
20) "The Recipe"
21) Helen
22) WSM
23) Georgia
24) Calf roping
25) Mandolin
26) Five
[[[ yeah, I know: "two possible answers", but this is all I got --
Jokemaster ]]]
27) The same thing
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit
Morons At Work 2
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mwork2.html
April Fool's Day Animations
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs.html
My Catty Life
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/catlife.html
Wild Kisses And Snuggles!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wildkisses.html
Germany's Waldgeist Restaurant!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/germanyr.html
Johan's Noah's Ark
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/noahsark.html
Big Boy Toys!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bigboytoys.html
Jobs That Suck!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/jobs.html
Maxine Humor!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/maxinehumor.html
Identity Theft 3!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/identitytheft3.html
Men Will Be Boys!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/menboys.html
Big Baby Big Dogs!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bigdogs.html
Life's Little Oops 11!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whoops11.html
MacGyver - How To Do It 5!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/macgyver5.html
Real Fantasy Trees 2!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/trees2.html
Spring/Easter!
https://tinyurl.com/y4xyz2w8
-<>-
Hitler finds out he can't keep his doctor under Obamacare
https://safeshare.tv/x/jyeqLxShwx
ROBIN WILLIAMS - FUNNIEST INTERVIEW
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhKgh0fX4xA
No One Could Make Carson Laugh Quite Like Rodney Dangerfield (1982)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HlxcVT0u4c
Kids Say the Darndest Things 26
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLQ2dm-Hhug
Funniest Dogs and Cats - Awesome Funny Pet Animals'
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzZEH_5OuIs
-<>-
>From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
21-year old contortionist Cristina Garcia amazes the judges and audience
of Spain's Got Talent 2018 with her incredible performance.
https://youtu.be/XAfOd6FCoZI
Uzeyer Novruzov makes a new attempt at the 'Tall Ladder Act' on
America's Got Talent 2019.
https://youtu.be/MLRGjIWtvRM
---
...Awesome! Thanks LouiseAu!
-<>-
Revisiting...
>From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
A wonderful look at some African Wildlife in this beautiful video that
animal and nature lovers should enjoy. Many years ago I was fortunate
enough to be able to take a guided tour through one of Kenya's wildlife
parks. To see these African animals up close is truly a spectacular
experience. Soundtrack is "We Found Love" - Lindsey Stirling.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=elHK4n1m__g
He was in a small kayak when he hooked the big one. It dragged him
miles out to sea. When he finally caught a look at what he'd snared, he
rightly freaked out! And so will you when you find out.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=9bToT32GPSo
---
...Great ones! Thanks LouiseAu!
-<>-
>From Our Friend Fran
This blind 16-year-old girl has never seen the Stars and Stripes, nor
rockets' red glare or the dawn's early light. But you'll see them right
before your eyes as you listen to her powerful rendition of "The
Star-Spangled Banner" at a Kentucky Wildcats basketball game.
Awesome National Anthem - YouTube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEdIHMJe8VM&feature=player_embedded
---
...Sweet! Thanks Fran!
=======================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"A new report claims that William Shakespeare was a marijuana
user and may have been high when he wrote some of his plays.
Which explains that one line: 'To be, or not to be... Wait,
what was the question?'" -Jimmy Fallon
"The Dallas Public Library displays one of the original
copies of the Declaration of Independence - also the only
copy stained with barbecue sauce." -Conan O'Brien
"A man in India has set a new world record for fastest nose-
typing. I think the most surprising part of it is that there
was an OLD world record for nose-typing." -Seth Meyers
"Amazon Prime has made it possible to have beer and wine
delivered to your home by Alexa. All you have to do is say
the phrase, 'Alexa, Daddy's sad.'" -Conan O'Brien
"In international news, police in Italy have arrested 10
people for stealing more than $250,000 in fine wine and
gourmet cheese. Yes, their motive is they were hosting a
book club. When the police caught them, they said the
thieves were armed and extremely constipated." -James Corden
"A new study suggests that not all psychopaths are bad.
'Thank you,' said people who pour the milk in before the
cereal." -Seth Meyers
"Scientists believe they may have found a plant that is
over a billion years old. Turns out it's the lettuce on
a Carl's Jr. burger." -Conan O'Brien
"Today is the first day of spring! Yep, it's that day
when millions of Americans look at their bodies in the
mirror and ask, 'Can we get, like, two more months of
winter?'" -Jimmy Fallon
"A Canadian woman last week proposed to her boyfriend
at a hockey game with a bouquet of Doritos made to look
like roses. It even spawned a new flavor - Nacho
Boyfriend Anymore." -Seth Meyers
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah Shangy!
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FUN URLS
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-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
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NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
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-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home
Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the
Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
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