Chocolate Day and More... :) Shangy!
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-<>-
* NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or
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the scroll button on the mouse.
You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in
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>-->2 HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :)
These two flaming hot new pages are from our friend Linda.
__ _
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/ __YXX\`YXXXXb.`_.-`
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_.-`_.-`_.-`_.-`
_.-`_.-`_.-`_.-`gnv
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`'---` `'---`
Switzerland is renowned for having some of the finest ski
resorts in the world. There is, however, a completely
different side of Switzerland that you might not be well
acquainted with just yet. These pages will help you explore
them. Be sure to check these out and their videos with them
here:
Beautiful Switzerland!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/beautifulswitzerland.html
Beautiful Switzerland 2!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/beautifulswitzerland2.html
---
...Aww, breathtaking! Thank You Linda!
=======================================================
>-->From SmileZilla:
___
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| | | / / | | | | || |m1a
Three men met at a party, and it wasn't long until the conversation
got around to their line of work and what kind of cars they drove.
"I'm a veterinarian," said the first fellow. "So, naturally, I drive
a white 'Vet."
As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, "I own a sign
company, so I drive a purple Neon."
Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the
other two.
"Well," he finally said, "I'm a proctologist... and I have a brown
Probe."
-<>-
A certain man notorious for his slowness paid attention for two years
to a young lady, without coming to the point. The girl's father
thought it time for him to interfere. On the swain's next visit, the
father interviewed him:
"Jacob, you've been settin' up with Nellie, an' takin' her to
picnics, an' to church an' the movies', an' nothin's come of it.
So, now, Jacob, I ask you, as man to man, what be your intentions?"
And Jacob responded unabashed:
"Well, answerin' you as man to man, I'll say there hain't no cause
for you to ruffle your shirt. My intentions are honorable-- but
remote."
=======================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
December 16 is National Chocolate Covered Anything Day
December 17 is National Maple Syrup Day
December 18 is Bake Cookies Day and National Roast Suckling Pig Day
December 19 is Look for an Evergreen Day and Oatmeal Muffin Day
December 20 is Go Caroling Day
December 21 is Crossword Puzzle Day, Forefather's Day, Humbug Day,
Look on the Bright Side Day and National Flashlight Day
December 22 is Channukah, National Date Nut Bread Day and Winter
Solstice - the shortest day of the year, date varies
=======================================================
>-->From GoodCleanFun:
'\ . . |>18>>
\ . ' . |
O>> . 'o |
\ . |
/\ . |
/ / .' |
jgs^^^^^^^`^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>How'd You Do That?
At a golf course, four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight
fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left.
The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction. The
ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road,
where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the
fairway.
As they all stood in amazement, one man asked him, "How on earth did
you do that?"
He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You have to know the bus schedule.
-<>-
>Cordless Phone
I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone.
After several minutes of searching, her young daughter said, "You
know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its
base so it never gets lost."
-<>-
>Man Overboard Drill
The crew of a fast frigate was practicing the man overboard drill by
"rescuing" a bright orange fluorescent dummy they named "Oscar."
The captain watched as a young lieutenant nervously stopped the ship,
turned it and maneuvered into place. Unfortunately, he ran right over
Oscar.
Surveying the remains of Oscar scattered around the ship, the captain
told the lieutenant, "Son, do me a favor. If I ever fall overboard,
just drop anchor and I'll swim to you."
-<>-
>Hypochondriac
Hypochondriac that I am, I constantly log on to the Internet to self-
diagnose my latest ailment. But even I knew it was time to lighten up
the day I typed in the keywords "liver disorders." That let me to a
medical site. With growing alarm I realized I had each of the first
seven symptoms. Then I came to No.8 and suddenly felt much better:
"Feeling of lethargy. No longer enjoys romping and wagging tail."
-<>-
______________________
|,----.,----.,----.,--.\
|| || || || \\
|`----'`----'|----||----\`.
[ | -||- __|(|
[ ,--. |____||.--. |
=-(( `))-----------(( `))==
jrei`--' `--'
>School Bus
A fourth-grader came into the school office and told the secretary
that she had missed her bus, Bus 6.
After checking schedules with the teacher on bus duty, the secretary
confirmed that the girl did indeed miss her bus. "But don't worry,"
she told the child. "We'll call your mother."
"No, you won't," the girl calmly replied. "She's driving Bus 6."
=========================================================
_ _ _
| | | | | |
___ | |__ ___ ___ ____ | |__ ___ | |
/ _|| _ \ / _ \ / _| / _ || _ \ / _ \ | |
----( (_-| |-\ |( (_) )( (_-( (_| || |-\ |( (_) )| |------
\___||_| |_| \___/ \___| \____||_| |_| \___/ |_|
>-->In Honor Of Chocolate Covered Anything Day! :)
You know you’re a chocoholic if,
when the leaves change in the fall,
you start gathering Almond Joy candy
bars for the coming winter.
Q: What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck
in his hair?
A: Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
Q: Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A: Because no one wants to quit.
_____
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/ / \ \
jgs / / \ \
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'--------' '--------'
Chocolate has many preservatives.
Preservatives make you look younger.
Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
Q: What kind of candy is never on time?
A: ChocoLATE.
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange
slices and strawberries all count as fruit,
so eat as many as you want.
Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate
bar into four pieces with your bare hands –
and then eat just one of the pieces.
_____
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If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and
white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?
Don’t they actually counteract each other?
I did finish a marathon once.
These days they’re called snickers.
Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable.
Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS.
Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable
category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step
further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which
is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.
Mom: Fred, there were two chocolate cakes in the larder
yesterday, and now there’s only one. Why?
Fred: I don’t know. It must have been so dark I didn’t
see the other one.
___ ___ ___ ___ ___.---------------.
.'\__\'\__\'\__\'\__\'\__,` . ____ ___ \
|\/ __\/ __\/ __\/ __\/ _:\ |:. \ \___ \
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\\/ __\/ __\/ __\/ __\/ __: \
\\'\__\'\__\'\__\ \__\'\_;-----------------`
hh \\/ \/ \/ \/ \/ : |
\|______________________;________________|
Q: Why did the doughnut visit the dentist?
A: He needed a chocolate filling!
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was
a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted
on the apple tray, “Take only one. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of
the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God
is watching the apples.”
Q: What did the astronaut say when he stepped on a chocolate bar?
A: I just set foot on Mars!
.-"""-.
/ _ _ \
_..._ | (') (') |
.'_ _'. _.-._| ._____, |_.-._
/ (.) (.) \ (== |-| `-` |-| ==)
_.-._| ,_____. |_.-._ `"` \ M / `"`
(== |-\ '-' /-| ==) '._____.'
`"` '.__M__.' `"` // \\
__// \\__ _\\ //_
jgs (___) (___) (___) (___)
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.
It’ll take the edge off your appetite,
and you’ll eat less.
An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old
man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man
really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from
his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down
over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns,
the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.
“Don’t worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway,” the old man
replies.“Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate
off the M&M’s.”
__ __ __ __ __
/__/__/__/__/__/|
/__/__/__/__/__/|/
jgs |__'__'__'__'__|/
Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
A: To get chocolate milk.
Q: What do cannibals eat for dessert?
A: Chocolate covered aunts.
Q: What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A: A Candy Baa.
Q: What did the M&M go to college?
A: Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
_.:::::._
.:::'_|_':::.
/::' --|-- '::\
|:" .---"---. ':|
|: ( O R E O ) :|
|:: `-------' ::|
\:::.......:::/
jgs':::::::::::'
`'"""'`
Q: What do you call stolen cocoa?
A: Hot chocolate.
Q: What is a monkey’s favorite cookie?
A: Chocolate chimp.
Q: Which chocolate is in the baseball Hall of Fame?
A: Babe Ruth.
Q: What candy is only for girls?
A: HER-SHEy’s Kisses.
.---------------------------.
/_ _ _ __ __ /|
// \ / \ / \ |_/ | |_ (_ / |
/ \_ \_/ \_/ | \ | |__ ,_/ / |
:.__________________________/ /
| .--. .--. .--. .--. | /
| ( ) ) ( ) ( ) | /
| '--' '--' '--' '--' |/
jgs'---------------------------'
Q: What dessert can fly a spaceship?
A: A Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
Q: How do you know it’s cold outside?
A: When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream.
Q: What is a French cat’s favorite dessert?
A: Chocolate mousse.
Q: What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A: A Kitty Kat bar.
_..._
.'_ _'.
/ (.) (.) \
_.-._| ,_____. |_.-._
(== |-\ '-' /-| ==)
`"` '.__M__.' `"`
__// \\__
jgs (___) (___)
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Candy.
Candy who?
Candy boy have another piece of chocolate?
.-"""-.
/ _ _ \
| (.) (.) |
_.-._| ,_____. |_.-._
(== |-| '-' |-| ==)
`"` \ M / `"`
'._____.'
// \\
_\\ //_
jgs (___) (___)
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Chalk.
Chalk who?
Chocolate is my favorite candy!
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
(
) )
_.(--"("""--.._
/, _..-----).._,\
| `'''-----'''` |
\ /
'. .'
jgs '--.....--'
>SMILES:
After his recent stay in the hospital, Pa was particularly
irritable, especially regarding food.
At a nearby restaurant he stopped for a quick meal and the waiter
provided a bowl of soup.
As the waiter turned away to return to the kitchen Pa stopped him,
calling: "Waiter!"
"Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"
"The soup. Taste it," replied Pa.
"I beg your pardon, Sir?"
"Taste it."
"But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
"Taste it," Pa persisted.
"Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."
"Taste it!"
The exasperated waiter finally relented. "All right, Sir, I'll
taste it."
Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"
To which Pa replied triumphantly, "Ah ha ... "
----------
A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden he hit a
sparrow. He pulled over, picked the poor sparrow who was still alive
but unconscious. He decided to take him home.
When the motorist got home, he put the sparrow in a cage, leaving
him some bread and water inside.
When the sparrow came to, he looked around and said: "Bars, bread,
water... Oh NO, I have killed the motorist!"
----------
Attending a convention, 3 psychiatrists take a walk. "People are
always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we
have no one to go to with our problems. Since we're all
professionals, why don't we hear each other out right-now?"
They agree that this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist
confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I
over-bill patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control,
and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs
for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how
hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
----------
There were three men traveling together: a priest, a farmer, and a
lawyer. It was starting to get late and they needed to find a
place to sleep. They came across a farm and asked the farmer there
if they could spend the night. He said, "That's fine, but my guest
room is only big enough for two people. One of you will have to
sleep in the barn."
The priest said, "I don't mind sleeping with God's creatures, I
will take the barn."
So they all agreed and went to their rooms.
About an hour later, there was a knock at the guest room door
and there stood the priest. "There is a chicken in there that
won't stop clucking! I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to sleep
in the guest room."
"That's okay," said the farmer, "I'll sleep in the barn. After
all, I'm used to it."
They all agreed and traded places. About an hour later, there
was a knock at the guest room door, and there stood the farmer.
"I can't stand the odor from that cow in there anymore. I'm
sorry, but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room."
"Well, I guess that leaves me," said the lawyer.
So he went to sleep in the barn. About an hour later, there was
a knock at the guest room door, and there stood the chicken and
the cow.
----------
Fans of '60's music, my 14-year-old daughter and her best friend
got front-row tickets to a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert. When
they returned home, my daughter said, "During the show, we looked
back and saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At
first we thought people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then
we realized that the lights were the reflections off all the
eyeglasses in the audience.
----------
On the first day of school, about mid-morning, the kindergarten
teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two
fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that
help?"
---
...LOL! Thanks LouiseAu!
-<>-
_|_
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|| || | | -|- | | || ||'#||###'
|| || |_|__|__|_| || || ||
|| ||_/` ======= `\__||_._|| ||
jgs__||_/` ======= `\_||___
>Kids in Sunday School
STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of
Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained
how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in
pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded
the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over
the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the
Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I
know, I know," she said, "to make the gravy!"
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back
and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted,
"My Mommy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced
triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked,
"Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the
Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning
how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a
higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
---
...TeeeHee - cute! Thanks LouiseAu!
-<>-
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>POSERS I WOULDN’T USE
Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without
cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!
Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would
it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all... its already built.
Q. How many birthdays does the average Japanese woman have?
A. Just one. All the others are anniversaries.
Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and
four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would
you have?
A. Very large hands.
Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. He sleeps at night.
Q. Why it is impossible to send a telegram to Washington today?
A. Because he is dead.
Q. What often falls but never gets hurt?
A. Rain
Q. What is that no man ever saw which never was but always
will be?
A. TOMORROW
Q. What looks like half apple?
A. The other half.
Q. What gets wet while drying?
A. A towel.
Q. What 3 letters change a girl into a woman?
A. AGE.
Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A. liquid
---
...Oh for goodness sake! HaHA! Thanks LouiseAu!
=======================================================
>-->From HandyHints:
_
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|~~~~|
|SSSS|
| | _______
| | / / \
jgs |SSSS| \_____\_/
'----'
Holiday hustle and bustle means it's easy to accidentally
run out of beauty essentials. Try substituting these house-
hold staples to keep looking good without any panic.
*Replace skin scrub with baking soda
Your daily scrub keeps your skin nice and soft, but you've
run out! Grab some baking soda instead. The mildly abrasive
texture gently, but just as thoroughly as a premade scrub,
whisks away dead cells without irritating skin. Plus, it
balances pH so skin isn't left too dry or oily. Just mix
a couple Tbs. of baking soda with a little water and
massage onto damp skin with circular motions.
* Replace shampoo with an apple cider vinegar rinse
Quit banging the bottom of the shampoo like a bottle of
catsup and reach for apple cider vinegar. The vinegar's
high concentration of malic acid dissolves the product
buildup that can weigh down strands and make hair color
appear dull, cleansing tresses as well as, of not better
than, your regular shampoo. Combine 1/4 cup apple cider
vinegar and 1/2 cup of water and pour over hair. Let stand
for 5 minutes and rinse thoroughly.
* Replace conditioner with aloe vera
All out of conditioner? The aloe vera gel you bought to
calm a painful sunburn last summer can come in handy.
That's because the plant's compounds deeply hydrate hair
just as well as they soothe skin. What's more, aloe
nourishes strands to help keep them strong so they're
free of breakage and split ends. After shampooing,
apply a small amount of aloe vera onto hair from middle
shaft to ends. Let sit for two minutes and rinse.
* Replace makeup remover with coconut oil
Rather than turning to harsh soap to clean your face
when you have no makeup remover left, swap in coconut
oil. It's antibacterial detergent-like properties make
it excellent at removing dirt, oil and makeup from the
face. Plus, the oil's fatty acids hydrate so skin
doesn't feel tight and dry like some makeup removers
tend to cause. Simply massage a little coconut oil
onto dry skin and rinse.
-<>-
|\
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____________ ____________ |
/ O * maytag \ / O O maytag \ |
|____________| |____________| |
| ____________ || | |
|| ||| | |
|| ]||| | |
/\ ____ || ||| | _______ |
[| ||Tide|||____________||| | |#####| |
__|__||____||______________||______________|__|#####|___|
|#####| jro\
The washing machine is something we frequently take for
granted. Just imagne how much time and money that
unremarkable looking box hiding in your basement saves
you. But as much work as your washing machine does, it
could be doing more. There are a lot of items the machine
can handle that we just never think about putting in there.
Things like...
* Mop heads
Check the label on your removable mop head to see if it
can go in the washing machine-most are made to be removable
for exactly this purpose. If you're using a Swiffer, give
your wipes a simple hand wash to ready them for a second use.
* Oven mitts
Add oven mitts and potholders to your load of dishtowels
and washcloths.
* Baseball caps
Spray caps with stain remover and let them sit for five
minutes, suggests blogger MomCrieff. Run the hats on a
short cycle using cold water. Reshape each hat and allow
them to air dry.
* Sneakers
Remove the laces from canvas or nylon sneakers and slip
them into a cotton pillowcase where they won't get tangled.
Take out any inner soles or padding from the sneakers and
toss the shoes and pillowcase into your washer (if you're
concerned about the shoes causing a racket, throw in a few
towels as well). Add the regular amount of detergent, plus
a dash of vinegar to deodorize. Set your machine on a cold-
wash delicate cycle. Allow the shoes and shoelaces to air
dry.
* Plastic shower curtains
Clean a plastic shower curtain with a regular amount of
detergent. Add two or three bath towels for extra cleaning
power. Hang to dry.
* Bath mats and small rugs
Take the mat outside and shake it to remove any loose dirt,
and then load the rug into the washing machine with a few
bath towels to balance the load. Set the machine on a cold-
wash delicate cycle, and add half the regular amount of
detergent. Allow the mat to air dry (never put a rubber-
backed mat into the dryer).
* Pet beds
Foam pet beds can be cleaned whenever you see fit. Remove
the bed's outside cover and place it in the washing
machine with cold water and regular detergent. To clean
the foam piece, fill your bathtub halfway with warm water.
Add a scoop of laundry detergent and sink the bed into
the soapy water. Empty the soap water from the tub and
refill with clean water. Rinse the foam out and place it
in the sun to air dry. Replace the foam cover and zip it
up.
* Gym bags
Aside from the sweat and gunk that accumulates inside
yourbag, the outside is also covered in the germs the
bag picks up in the locker room. Open all of your gym
bag's pockets to check for any forgotten items and wash
on a cold-water gentle cycle.
-<>-
>Go Green' Hints:
When it comes to cosmetics, cleansers and scrubs it pays to
be a Label Hound. Check the ingredients, especially for
products used on large areas of your body. Although
conclusive evidence remains elusive, many consumer watch
groups fear that chemicals such as parabens and phthalates
may be toxic when absorbed in high doses. Another additive
to watch out for: sodium lauryl sulfate, a common source of
skin allergens. Though the FDA regards the doses in cosmetic
products to be too low to cause harm, it can't hurt to limit
your exposure to them.
-<>-
o \
o `. o
o o o \ `
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)| | `'____\' o _____\|| `
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o | ||_|| |/ oo\ || |
| || || C ._)o || | o
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| ||o||/\ \ .: o|| | (; .)
| || |( \_\||___|| | _,.(|___)-.
| o||_|||`-`,\)----' | o
o | | ||..|.| o _ |-. _.-.
`.-.|._|_.-:|__|_|-.-' `-'.__ o
o '--`-` o - SSt
With cold weather approaching fast there are a few easy
and more importantly CHEAP tricks you can use to keep
your home comfy and cozy.
Moist air feels warmer. Make sure you maintain adequate
humidity during the more dry winter months. Open the dish-
washer to dry dishes and release steam and hanging clothes
to dry will not only cut down on your electric bill but
will also add humidity.
=======================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
Here’s Twitter’s Plan To Create A World Where Censoring
Conservatives Is Unnecessary
https://tinyurl.com/snwscvs
Pompeo Says Trump Warned Russians About Election Meddling
https://tinyurl.com/snkylg9
McConnell Angers Dems With USMCA Announcement
https://tinyurl.com/u62hvt3
Buttigieg Rips Trump On China’s Human Rights Abuses,
But Offers No Solutions
https://tinyurl.com/qocnmzp
Warren Campaign Touted Endorsement From Anti-Israel Politician
Who Called Cory Booker ‘AIPAC Puppet’: Report
https://tinyurl.com/s55vbw6
Nearly All Migrants Removed Under New Asylum Deal Are
Opting To Go Back Home
https://tinyurl.com/v6ej2rj
Trump Reacts After Greta Wins Person Of The Year, Says She Should
‘Chill’ Out
https://tinyurl.com/s24n9g4
Carter Page: ‘Going To Take This Right Up To The Supreme Court’
https://tinyurl.com/rjsnoys
Obama Attorney General Eric Holder: William Barr ‘Unfit’ For Office
https://tinyurl.com/wvjwe4z
Meet The ‘Conservative Squad’ Aiming To Take Down Ocasio-Cortez And
The ‘Do-Nothing Democrats’
https://tinyurl.com/qk7v63p
Tens Of Thousands Of Foreign Nationals On Temporary Visas Are Giving
Birth In The US Every Year, Study Finds
https://tinyurl.com/w46f56z
Westwing News: White House Hosting Childcare, Family Leave Summit
With Ivanka Trump
https://www.whitehouse.gov/westwingreads/
WhiteHouseNews: President Trump is putting parents back in charge
https://www.whitehouse.gov/1600daily/
Latest From AFA:
http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw
Students For Life
https://tinyurl.com/yd5nxmu6
Latest From OperationRescue:
http://www.operationrescue.org/
Latest Product Alert: Graham crackers, Ford pickup trucks, Nuts
http://www.emergencyemail.org/products/?fmt=text
Latest Health Alert: E. coli for leafy greens
http://www.emergencyemail.org/health/?fmt=text
Click to Give Free
https://tinyurl.com/y2abb8d2
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
An Australia couple returned home from work and were shocked
to find a 10-foot python coiled up on their Christmas tree.
Leanne Chapman of Brisbane said she and her partner returned
to their home in the Highgate Hill area and noticed the
birds on their balcony were acting unusually distressed.
"My partner's gone out there was actually videoing them
because they were going mad," Chapman told local news. "As
he's turned around and stepped back, he didn't realize he
was leaning on the Christmas tree with the snake wrapped
around it."
She said they were both stunned when they spotted the
serpent. "It was a bit of a shock to begin with. You don't
really expect to see a snake in your Christmas tree."
The couple said they left the snake alone and it left on
its own accord after a few hours.
"After the initial shock wore off, it was a really beautiful
snake," Chapman said. "It was actually quite nice to see it
that close up because I've never seen anything like it
before."
-<>-
[Warning - An ET-AHEM!!]
You might expect this kind of behavior at a Walmart, but
at a Target? The unfortunate Target in question is located
in St. Petersburg, Florida, where a 20-year-old man wandered
in and was irresistibly smitten by something he saw in the
toy section. But instead of coughing up the 15 bucks and
lavishing his affections in private, he was overwhelmed
right there in the toy aisle.
Cody Meader was arrested for allegedly engaging in s%&ual
conduct with a pair of "large stuffed animal toys" at a
Target store last month. The count charges accuse Meader
of "willfully and maliciously" damaging Target goods "by
dischargng on the merchandise."
According to a police report, Meader arrived at Target
around 2 PM and approached a display featuring characters
from the Disney film "Frozen." He then selected a "large
Olaf stuffed animal" and placed it on the floor. Meader
proceeded to "dry hump" the cinematic snowman "until he
discharged on the merchandise."
Upon returning the soiled stuffed animal back to a
merchandise rack, Meader entered the toy department.
There, police allege, he "selected a large unicorn stuffed
animal and began to 'dry hump' this item."
After being detained by police inside Target, Meader
reportedly "admitted to doing 'stupid stuff' and admitted
that he had 'nutted' on the Olaf stuffed animal."
The Olaf and unicorn dolls were "removed from the store
floor" and destroyed.
Meader is free on $150 bond.
*--- The Last Thing You Want is Cold Bear Spray ---*
Firefighters responding to a reported explosion at a Montana
home said it turned out a can of bear spray had been left
inside a warming oven. The Bozeman Fire Department said
three engines responded to a residence where an explosion
had been reported. Firefighters said there were no flames,
but the occupants of the house, who were not injured, were
evacuated while crews investigated. The department said
firefighters discovered a can of bear spray had been left
inside a warming oven in the home and had exploded while
the oven was pre-heating. Firefighters said the explosion
was contained to the oven and they used large fans to air
out the residence before the residents, three young men,
were allowed back inside. "It wasn't malicious, and it was
confined to the oven so we vented the house and then it was
turned back over to the residents," Battalion Chief Grover
Johnson reported. It was unclear why the can of bear spray
had been placed inside the oven.
*--- Drunk Arrested for Riding Horse On Highway ---*
A man has been arrested in downtown Dallas after witnesses
say he was drunk - while riding a horse. Becky's Hope Horse
Rescue said they were called to the scene to pick up a
wounded and infected horse. Police said the man - who has
not been identified - had been weaving in and out of traffic
on a highway. He was arrested for public intoxication and
the horse is recovering at the non-profit in Frisco. It is
unknown at this time how the horse was injured but an
investigation is underway.
*--- Woman Eats Entire Bag of Marijuana During Arrest ---*
A Florida woman was caught on surveillance video attempting
to eat a bag full of marijuana during an arrest for DUI.
Tavish Smith was pulled over on suspicion of DUI after she
allegedly crashed her truck two times and was seen driving
the wrong way. During the stop, officers searched the
vehicle and discovered a sandwich bag full of marijuana.
After the suspect was placed in the back of a squad car,
she asked the officer to go get her flip-flops from her
truck. Smith was then able to wriggle out of her handcuffs
and grab the bag from the front seat of the squad car. She
then quickly chowed down on its contents. "My car's
smelling like the stuff you had in your seat," the arresting
trooper says in the video. "I hope that's not why this
marijuana bag was open over here. Bags of weed just don't go
missing inside a police car. And I've got it all on video."
Smith denied eating the pot, but she allegedly left
marijuana crumbs everywhere. The 45-year-old allegedly ate
about 12 grams of grass. According to WTSP, "at the moment
she eats the evidence, her misdemeanor charges for minor
hit-and-run, DUI and marijuana possession bump up to a felony."
*- Festive SUV Pulled Over for Excessive Christmas Lights -*
The Washington State Patrol is warning drivers not to get
too festive with their vehicles after an SUV decked out
with Christmas lights was stopped on the highway. Trooper
H. Axtman tweeted photos showing the vehicle with a
light-up Christmas tree on its rear and the roof rack
covered in colored lights. "What does the Grinch and a
Trooper have in common? They both would have pulled this
vehicle over for illegal lighting," Axtman wrote. He said
the trooper "didn't have a heart two sizes too small" and
the driver was let go with a warning. Residents responded
to Axtman's tweet with photos of a vehicle spotted in the
area with even more intricate lights, including a glowing
snowman on the trunk, and Axtman said troopers are aware
of the vehicle being spotted around Snohomish County.
"Love the Christmas spirit, definitely not legal and very
distracting," he tweeted.
=========================================================
>-->From TheGroaner:
|L
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`, |-`,
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>Q and A Quickies
Q: What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A: A pineapple!
Q: Why did Scrooge keep a pet lamb?
A: Because it would say, "Baaaaahh humbug!"
Q: What's Santa Claus's favorite track & field event?
A: North Pole-vaulting!
____
___ _.--"""-, / )
/ \ .' `\ / _\
/ \/ \ / .-'
/ _ | /.-.--.-.-.)/ /
( )\_ .\|(_._.__._._) /
\,' \/ \ \ /
: , | 0 _ 0 |/
: \ _/ (_) |`\
,' `; "\ \ / / |
| | /'. '._.' .' /
\_,' .( '-----'` .'-.
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[ `''''') ) `\
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/ /\ '-..-'/ ;
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/' /__.-' } /
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( _--- / |
___----'(__ .-' !\___/
.---' / .-.--' '------'------
--( ____)/ _-'
(;(;;---'' (_(_(;; miraculis /jgs
Q: Who is a Christmas tree's favorite singer?
A: Spruce Springsteen.
Q: What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
A: Saint Nickel-less.
Q: Why did they couple get hitched on the 24 of December?
A: So they could have a married Christmas.
Q: What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
A: An abdominal snowman.
_/_ \_ __
\\_ / \_/
,< ==-o _| *
\ __, /_)
\_\__//
* / ^\-'
//\ \
\\ \ ')
/_) ),-.
// \\
(( )) *
_\\ //_
. ..((__)(__))..b'ger
Q: Which of Santa's reindeer has the worst manners?
A: RUDE-olph, of course!
Q: What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed?
A: Cookie sheets!
=========================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
_ _
(.)_(.)
_ ( _ ) _
/ \/`-----'\/ \
__\ ( ( ) ) /__
) /\ \._./ /\ (
jgs )_/ /|\ /|\ \_(
A group of junior-level executives were participating in
a management training program. The seminar leader pounded
home his point about the need to make decisions and take
action on these decisions.
"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log
and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would
you have left on the log?"
The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."
"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five
because there is a difference between deciding to jump and
jumping."
-<>-
A man is sitting in a fancy restaurant when his food finally
arrives at his table. As the plate is being served the man
notices the waiter has his thumb resting on the edge of his
steak.
"Umm, excuse me," the man says, "but I couldn't help but
notice you had your thumb on my steak."
"Yes, I know, sir," the waiter responds, "but I didn't want
to drop it again."
-<>-
__
/ _,\
\_\
,,,, _,_) # /)
(= =)D__/ __/ //
C/^__)/ _( ___//
\_,/ -. '-._/,--'
_\\_, / -//.
\_ \_/ -,._ _ ) )
\/ / ) / /
\-__,/ ( ( (
\.__,-)\_
)\_ / -(
b'ger / -(////
////
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his
father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies
became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same
question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we
evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to
me! Mommy said we came from monkeys."
His father replied, "No, your mother was talking about
her side of the family."
-<>-
My brother Scott brought over a photo album of his camping
trip. One picture showed a brown bear helping itself to his
food. "What kind of bear is that?" I asked.
"It's called a Kodiak," Scott replied.
"Oh, yeah?" my husband Keith shot back. "And I suppose those
white ones in the Arctic are called Polaroids."
-<>-
______
_\ _~-\___
= = ==(____AA____D
\_____\___________________,-~~~~~~~`-.._
/ o O o o o o O O o o o o o o O o |\_
`~-.__ ___..----.. )
`---~~\___________/------------`````
= ===(_________D
-Roland
The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story:
"I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California,
when we ran into some very severe turbulence.
As it got worse, the passengers became more and more
alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look
concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.'
in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to
me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you
suppose you could, I don't know...do something religious?'"
"So I took up a collection."
-<>-
Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her
the secret I told you not to tell her."
"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell
you I told her."
"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you
that she told me."
=========================================================
>-->From ScreamOfTheCrop:
_____
, ___))
/ | 6 6
(___( _e
____/ /_
/ \ o\_/ \
/ /\' _ _)\
/_< )____/\_\
___oo' ,ooooo,|_/
-//,-( / |=/
| \ \
\ \
)_______\
/ ) / )
/ / ( |
| / \ |
_________ |/_______\|________.
= =
/( )\ b'ger
/,/ 7 \\_
>THE PERFECT HUSBAND
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private
club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches
rings. One of them picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a
beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2020
models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he
gave me a really good price... and since we need to exchange the BMW
that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $70,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account
and... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the
house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one
with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $650,000 - a magnificent price... and I see that we have that
much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $620,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later! I love you!"
"Bye...I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while
holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know
who this phone belongs to?"
-<>-
_|_
|
_|_
//_/\
__| ||____
////////////\
/////////////\\
|^^^^^^^^^^||+|
| # # # ||||
.... ....".
|||||||||||||||||
unknown
>CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
Volunteers are needed to spit up food.
Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess
There will not be any Women Worth Watching this week.
Childcare provided with reservations.
Mark your calendars not to attend the church retreat.
I was hungry and you gave me something to eat; I was thirty and
you gave me drink.
The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Bains.
Boars of Trustees
We are always happy to have you sue our facility.
The activity will take place on the church barking lot.
Hymn: I am Thin, O Lord.
New Missionaries: Tim is a pilot and flies missionaries and
supplies into the bush.
Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights.
She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
- Apparently many of these bulletin bloopers are from a book called
"Anguished English" by Richard Lederer
-<>-
>CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENT
___
/ /|
/__/-
/ |\
| | \
\ \ \
/ | >
\ /
\ /
| | |
| | |
- --'
unknown
WANTED: Fat Lady
JOB LOCATION: Tallahassee, Florida
PAY SCALE: Name Your Own Price
JOB DESCRIPTION: SING!
-<>-
\\\
____ ________```
\ =|- [________] \
| =| | _ | | \ __
ejm |__=|- O--(_) `.______.' \ O=======(__)
/|\
(/(|(\
>SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS
1. Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!
2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!
4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
5. Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself!
6. I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day!
7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
13. If you don't like my standards of cooking ... lower your standards.
14. You may touch the dust in this house ... but please don't write
in it!
15. Apology ... Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit
down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's
even worse.
16. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
17. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
20. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall
never cease to be amused.
21. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
22. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
23. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone
on to lead normal lives.
24. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
25. Gardening forever . . . Housework, never!
26. Dull women have immaculate houses.
-<>-
>SCREAM OF THE CROP SUPERSTITIONS Column
From minchmob:
.-. .-. .-. .-.
< | < | < | | |
) | ) | ) | | |
)()| )()| )()| |o|
)()| )()| )()| |o|
<___| <___| <___| |\|
} | || | = | | |
} | || | = | | |
} | || | = | |/
} | || | = |
} | || | = |
} | || | = |
} | FF | = |
} | LL | = |
} | LL | \|
} | \\ |
} | \\|
} | \|
\|
VK
Here's a superstition for you: It is bad luck to give knives as
wedding presents. Supposedly it will "cut the ties that bind" the
couple. The bad luck may be overcome by giving the giver something
silver. This resulted in a hilarious mixup at my own wedding. My
mother was horrified that my cousin, Cathy, gave us knives. She
badgered me all through the reception until I gave Cathy a dime,
which she was reluctant to take. I later found out that the Cathy
who gave the knives was my other cousin (we have a Cathy on both
sides of the family), who was unable to attend. I never told my Mom.
I've been married for 25 years. So much for that old wives' tale!
-<>-
_______) _______) ,__) ____, ____,
(--||_, _ (--| _ | _ (--| \ _ , (--/ \ ,_,
_|| |(/_ _|(_|_)(/_|\/(/_ _|_/(_|\|/_)_ \_/_|_
( |__, ( ( ,__| ,__|
____,,__) ,__)
(--/ `|_,,_' ,-|-,_,_, _ ,
/ | || |/_)| | | |(_|/_)
\__, |__, |__,
>Twelve Days of Christmas
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being
implemented in our "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
_
('>
/))@@@@@
/@"@@@@@()@
@@()@@()@@@@
@@@O@@@@()@@@
@()@@\@@@()@@
@()@||@@@@@
@@||@@@
||
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never
produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic
hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
_ _
<')_,/ <') ,/
(_==/ (_==/
='- ='-
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could
not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated...doves
are out;
(\ }\ (\ }\ (\ }\
( \_('> ( \_('> ( \_('>
(__(=_) (__(=_) (__(=_)
-"= -"= -"=
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone
loves the French things;
___ ___ ___ ___
('v') ('v') ('v') ('v')
(( )) (( )) (( )) (( ))
-/-"---"---/-"---"---/-"---"---/-"---"--
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice
mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long
they talked;
.-. .-. .-. .-. .-.
((_)) ((_)) ((_)) ((_)) ((_))
'-' '-' '-' '-' '-'
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could
have negative implications for institutional investors.
Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of
T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;
__ __ __ __ __ __
>(' ) >(' ) >(' ) >(' ) >(' ) >(' )
)/ , )/ , )/ , )/ , )/ , )/ ,
/(____/\ /(____/\ /(____/\ /(____/\ /(____/\ /(____/\
/ ) / ) / ) / ) / ) / )
\ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/
`---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __
~~' (__) ~~' (__) ~~' (__) ~~' (__) ~~' (__) ~~' (__)
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer
be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one
egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in
productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the
selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from
now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
/,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ _,
|/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ / |
// _/ |// _/ // _/ // _/ // _/ // _/ // _/ |
/ (_/ / (_/ / (_/ / (_/ / (_/ / (_/ / (_/ _)
/ ` / ` / ` / ` / ` / ` / ` _/)
\ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- /
jgs^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in
better times. The function is primarily decorative. Shrimp ponds
are on order. The current swans will be donated to county jails;
__.----. __.----. __.----. __.----.___
(\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' ;--`
`(uu)' _ `(dd)' _ `(gg)' _ `(vv)' _ |
) ( (|) ) ( (|) ) ( (|) ) ( (|) |
(o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 ,/
`--'\_ (__).`--'\_ (__).'`--'\_ (__).'`--'\_ _(__)|
`|||~~/\|| `|||~~/\|| `|||~~/\|| `||~|| /\||
^jgs^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^
__.----. __.----. __.----. __.----.___
(\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' ;--`
`(99)' _ `(66)' _ `(aa)' _ `(ee)' _ |
) ( (|) ) ( (|) ) ( (|) ) ( (|) |
(o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8,/
`--'\_ (__).'`--'\_ (__).`--'\_ (__).`--'\_ _(__)|
`|||~~/\|| `|||~~/\|| `|||~~/\|| `||~|| /\||
^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under
heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce
is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end
job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit
the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
|~
() () 0` |~
() _/)(\_ () _/)(\_ 0`
_/)(\_ /^^\ () _/)(\_ /""\
/~~\ /____\ _/)(\_ /``\ /____\
/____\ /""\ /____\ ()
() /____\ _/)(\_ ()
|~ _/)(\_ () /^^\ _/)(\_
0` |~ /``\ _/)(\_ /____\ /~~\
0` /____\ /~~\ /____\
/____\
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer
do the steps;
w w
w 0__ \0__
\0__ w /|_ w /_
/_ __0/ '\/ / \0_ '\/ / w
'\/ / /_ ` /_ ` __0/
` `\/ \, _\ \, /_
w ` `\/ \,
\0__ w w
/_ 0__ w \0__
_\ \, /|_ __0/ |_
` `\/ \, /_ _\ \,
`\/ /, `
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus
the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation
Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the
savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed
congressmen this year;
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_)
(") (") (") (") (") (") (") (") (") (") (")
/I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\
(/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\)
||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| |||
||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| |||
_|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_
~jgs~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple
case of an out of date band getting too big. A substitution with a
string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will
produce savings, which will drop right to the bottom line;
.-} .-} .-}
|_| |_| |_|
(_) (_) __ (_) .---.
| \ .--. | \.' '. | \/ \
|\_|--o ) |\_|--o ; |\_|--o |
|:| '--' |:|'.__.' |:|\ /
|:| |:| |:| `---`
|:|_ |:|_ |:|_
^jgs^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
.-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-.
|M| |E| |R| |R| |Y| |X| |M| |A| |S|
(_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_)
/\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\
[XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX]
||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| |||
||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| |||
_|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
jgs'96
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people,
fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies
indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient.
If we can drop ship by UPS in one day, service levels will be
improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the Bar Association seeking expansion
to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a
decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive.
Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize
our Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs ..sleeping, sneezing,
grumping, etc. are in line with our overall projections.
Sincerely;
Your Management
-<>-
ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM A SNOWMAN
by Frank Brothers
__ /\ __ __ /\ __ __ /\ __ __ /\ __
\_`\/`_/ .\'/. \_`\/`_/ .\'/. \_`\/`_/ .\'/. \_`\/`_/
<_>()<_>-=>*<=-<_>()<_>-=>*<=-<_>()<_>-=>*<=-<_>()<_>
/_,/\,_\ '/.\' /_,/\,_\ '/.\' /_,/\,_\ '/.\' /_,/\,_\
\/ \/ \/ \/
.\/. It's okay if you're a little bottom .\/.
-=><=- heavy -*- Hold your ground, even -=><=-
'/\' when the heat is on. -*- Wearing '\/'
__ /\ __ white is always appropriate. -*- __ /\ __
\_`\/`_/ -*- Winter is the best of the four \_`\/`_/
<_>()<_> seasons. -*- It takes a few extra <_>()<_>
/_,/\,_\ rolls to make a good midsection. /_,/\,_\
\/ -*- There is nothing better than a \/
.\/. foul-weather friend. -*- The key to .\/.
-=><=- life is to be a jolly, happy soul. -=><=-
'/\' -*- It's not the size of the carrot, '\/'
__ /\ __ but the placement that counts -*- __ /\ __
\_`\/`_/ We're all made up of mostly water. \_`\/`_/
<_>()<_> -*- You know you've made it when <_>()<_>
/_,/\,_\ they write a song about you. -*- /_,/\,_\
\/ Accessorize! Accessorize! Access- \/
.\/. orize! -*- Avoid yellow snow. -*- .\/.
-=><=- Don't get too much sun. -*- Don't -=><=-
'/\' put someone else's corncob pipe in '/\'
__ /\ __ your mouth - you never know where __ /\ __
\_`\/`_/ it's been. -*- It's embarrassing \_`\/`_/
<_>()<_> when you can't look down and see <_>()<_>
/_,/\,_\ your feet. -*- It's fun to hang out /_,/\,_\
\/ in your front yard. -*- Always put \/
.\/. your best foot forward. -*- There's .\/.
-=><=- no stopping once you're on a roll. -=><=-
'/\' . _{_}_ * '/\'
__ /\ __ + /_..._\ + __ /\ __
\_`\/`_/ * /` `\ \_`\/`_/
<_>()<_> | _.-----._ | <_>()<_>
/_,/\,_\ ,_ \/ o o \/ . _ /_,/\,_\
\/ \| | V | , |/ * \/
.\/. + _\\ . \ '...' / \//--. .\/.
-=><=- ` \\/ |`'-----;`\-.//_ -=><=-
'/\' .--\\ .'-.____.|-(.// , . '/\'
__ /\ __ \) _ \ \/ '-'\ __ /\ __
\_`\/`_/ * ; (_) | |;.__/ + \_`\/`_/
<_>()<_> " "" | _ \ \| . "" <_>()<_>
/_,/\,_\ """" "| (_) \_.;"" "" /_,/\,_\
\/ "" \ / "" " \/
.\/. "" .. '._ _.' H A P P Y .\/.
-=><=- .. '-----' H O L I D A Y S-=><=-
'/\' """ .. """ '/\'
__ /\ __jgs ""__ /\ __ "" __ /\ __ ""__ /\ __
\_`\/`_/ .\'/. \_`\/`_/ .\'/. \_`\/`_/ .\'/. \_`\/`_/
<_>()<_>-=>*<=-<_>()<_>-=>*<=-<_>()<_>-=>*<=-<_>()<_>
/_,/\,_\ '/.\' /_,/\,_\ '/.\' /_,/\,_\ '/.\' /_,/\,_\
\/ \/ \/ \/
ASCII Art: Joan Stark'00 http://www.ascii-art.com
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
Chocolate Train!-
http://www.shangralas.com/chocolatetrain.html
Aww Animals 5!-
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Animal Friends 2!-
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Cool Optical Illusions!-
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Beautiful Cactus Blooms!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/cactusblooms.html
What I've Learned In Life!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/learnedinlife.html
All Occasion Cakes 3!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/aocakes3.html
Amazing Cop Cars!-
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Inspirational Movie Quotes!-
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Bear Rescue 3!-
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Most Unique Trees!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/uniquetrees.html
The Christmas Story!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/christmasstory.html
When Was Jesus Born?-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/whenjesusborn.html
Christmas Animations: (Under X for Xmas)
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_u-z.html
Full Christmas Index!-
https://tinyurl.com/y4xyz2w8
-<>-
>From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
Magician Hans Klok and the 'Divas of Magic' break a new record,
performing 15 illusions in 5 minutes at the French TV show 'The
World's Greatest Cabaret.'
https://youtu.be/BCJhRfwylSI
---
...Wowsers! Thanks LouiseAu!
The magic of split-second costume changes by the 'Duo Minasov'.
Isn't it every man's dream for their woman to get ready that fast?
https://youtu.be/e2Z0lC4Y9aE
---
...TeeHee! Fun to watch! Thanks LouiseAu!
Watch this beautiful and touching 3D animated story of a fox, a
mouse and two owls - to the song 'Take On Me' by Andrea Begley.
https://youtu.be/Dd_0BIuZgHg
---
...Sweet! Thanks LouiseAu!
This Snow Diving Fox demonstrates the amazing skills used to hunt
for mice in deep snow.
https://youtu.be/D2SoGHFM18I
---
...Amazing! Thanks LouiseAu!
A heartwarming Christmas advert by a local hardware shop in Wales has
gone viral, with viewers calling it the best festive ad of the year.
https://youtu.be/pDtCXO71FJU
---
...Awwww. So heartwarming and cute! Thanks LouiseAu!
=======================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"A family in Florida took their Elf on the Shelf to the ER
after their dog tore it apart, and the doctors were able to
save it. While the guy in the next room was like, 'Don't
worry - my broken leg will be just fine! You take care of
that elf!'" -Jimmy Fallon
"Experts in Israel are trying to re-create a wine used in
the time of Jesus. Apparently, all they need is some water
and Jesus." -Conan O'Brien
"Some parenting experts are suggesting that the holiday
tradition of the elf on the shelf may actually be harmful
to children. So instead just take them to the mall and let
them sit on a weird old dude's lap." -Seth Meyers
"New York woman is suing her surgeon claiming he was on
his cell phone during her operation. In response, the
doctor said, 'For your information, I was Googling how
to perform surgery.'" -Conan O'Brien
"A new study found that running for two minutes is just
as good for you as working out for 90 minutes. That
doesn't sound like a study it sounds like something a
chubby guy says after being on the treadmill for two
minutes." -Jimmy Fallon
"There's a holiday gift giving trend that's supposedly on
the rise this year called self-gifting, meaning it's OK to
buy a gift for yourself. But buying a gift and wrapping it
for yourself, that's just pathetic." -Jimmy Kimmel
"An Italian winery is releasing five limited-edition
bottles of Hello Kitty-themed wine for the holiday season.
Its the perfect gift for your alcoholic niece." -Seth Meyers
"Two hundred cows recently died in a field in Wisconsin.
Nobody knows the cause of death, but they suspect boredom."
-Conan O'Brien
"A brewery in Oregon is coming out with a new Sriracha-
flavored beer. That's right, beer that tastes like hot
sauce. They said it's the perfect beverage for finding
out if you're an alcoholic: 'There's only one beer left
and it has hot sauce in it - just give it to me!'"
-Jimmy Fallon
"Resolve to be thyself: and know, that he who finds himself,
loses his misery." -- Matthew Arnold
A song will outlive all sermons in the memory. -- Henry Giles
"The brighter you are, the more you have to learn." -- Don Herold
"There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist." -- Mark Twain
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah Shangy!
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FUN URLS
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-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home
Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the
Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
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Home Recipes
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